Amy Doby Gallery

How I Met Your Mother

2011-09-25T08:07:00.002+08:00

My sons used to bug me about watching this sitcom called How I Met Your Mother. I never turned on the TV since Norbert's passing. However recently, during the Hariraya holidays, I went back to Penang and on one of those nights, I went to Batu Feringgi and decided to purchase 84 DVDs and that includes HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER series. The two boys bragged so much about it, so I have to get it.

What I love about this show is ..... Shown in a series of flashbacks, a man tells his children the story of how, as a twenty something guy looking for love, he met and married the woman who would become his wife and their mom. The first season was kind of slow but it gets more and more interesting after the 2nd season. Now I am at 4th season and I can't help but laughed at the scene where Barney got his second tight slap from Marshall after he made them endure his one man show performance at the theatre. My second big laugh was when Lily thought that her house was haunted, where she jumped into Marshall's arms like a bunny rabbit when the photo frame fell.

I cannot believe I have watched these DVDs one after another this long already. They have been very consistent in making people laugh. The cast have so much chemistry and every episode is so much fun! I think the script is really cool and very spontaneous that makes it so unpredictable. Now I am at the part where they all wanted to be NAKED MAN. I have to watch the whole season today. Luckily the clothes are washed, lunch is cooked, beds made, plants watered, and everything is in order...... Time to relax....

P/S I never knew that I would really love the character played by Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson - who was Doogie Howser (one of my favourite tv series those days, when I was living in the States). I think he acts well as a womanizer when he is homosexual. Andrea's remark was "Why are good looking men, gay?" :))))

I love this show!! It's one of the best sitcoms on the air, after FRIENDS and SEX and THE CITY. It justs gets funnier and funnier with each episode - I love it to bits!! Barney is the best on HIMYM and he's the reason I can't stop watching....

And Oh, I forgot to say that, like all sitcoms, I love the fashion the ladies were wearing and this HIMYM series, I can't help but focus my eyes to their necklaces.....

Love of Two Souls

2011-08-23T04:18:00.003+08:00

I have no idea what to write about. I just finished a 3-hour non-stop painting and now taking a break. I can’t actually describe what I feel right now. Maybe it is because I am lonely. Maybe I am finding excuses to be like this because I don’t want to be alone. Why I value love as a necessity rather than a luxury, I do not know. Is this a realistic expectation?

In all broken relationships, there is never one person to be blame. We all hurt people in our lives and once we accept responsibility for our past and regain humility, then we are able to fall in love again. I am a very loving person and I don’t want to specifically love a particular someone only. I want to love generally. I don’t want to date right now and have separated myself from intimate emotional and physical contact with a man so that I am aware of my hunger and passion and intimacy again.

In him, I have found increased possibilities. I am not looking for the best, for I find him to be ‘good enough’ for me. I want to commit myself to him and I want him to be exclusive when love starts to come. I want to commit myself to him because it brings the best of my qualities. I do not want meaningless sex. Casual sex numbs my heart and dulls my body. I just cannot make love to anyone that I don’t have feelings for because it leaves me in a state of confusion that can create more problems than it can solve. Love making involves and absorbs strong impulses.

I don’t have a ghost of my past partners. I am not going to compare him to my past lovers. I find him to be unique and I appreciate him for who he is with his own special qualities. I do not care for superficial activities – I love our deep conversations and find him to be very interesting. I am now on a love mission. I want to spread love …..

My heart has never felt like this in a long time. I feel him to be very different. It is not just a mushy feeling, but more of a secure feeling – a correct feeling. Many times my lips want to say the three little words, yet I don’t really know how he is going to respond. In most relationships, the men always seem to take their time with their feelings. Maybe men are just not as emotional as women. I keep telling myself to go with the flow. Don’t want to smother him or ‘cramp his style’.

Right now I do feel alive. I am ecstatic every time I think of him. I have butterflies all over again. The stomachache of passion and hope – I don’t know what life is going to throw at me but I am ready and willing to try everything with him. I cannot be wrong, because the feeling is strong. I know slowly, steadily, I am getting sucked into a whirlwind. He has made me so happy and has affected my very disposition, captured my heart like I never thought possible in a long time. I think this is turning into something so incredibly real.

I am legitimately falling deeper and deeper in love with him….

I Am All HIS

2011-08-17T02:49:00.003+08:00

Dedicated to the bluest eyes.......

He is my beloved. To my tender and yet strong feminine heart, he is. This is a powerful path. Sometimes, I think as if this is the only path to finding myself utterly exposed and surrendered. Tonight I surrender to my every joy, fear and shame. I cannot do it alone. I, by nature, yearn to reach the Higher Power through communion, through him, with him.

To be able to touch him fully makes me feel like I want to die. Die completely to my story, open to and embrace fully my shadow, both disturbingly dark as well as brightly golden. This is like one of the scariest thing I need to do in this life, and I know he can help me. Is he willing to do the same? Will he become my rock? Own and claim his highest masculine essence and expose his full self to me. I am a strong woman. This is the most priceless gift he can give me, give life. I am just as much under pressure as he is when we finally are there. Please love me, guide me, see me, open me, receive me and compassionately challenge me in all my brilliance and flaws to get that much close to him. The one and only. With him, we can become one.

I can see his strength and courage. I can see that he is guided and lovingly challenged to be his highest self. I admire a man who is willing to put himself through the lion’s den of learning and growing. I love it when he walks so upright and confident. I noticed that in him. He seems to inhabit his body much better than others. He is so handsome and has a strong back. A strong back is, to me, a sign of an open heart.

I love it when he takes care of his body by eating well and working out – whatever is appropriate for him. I love it when he knows and feel his body and that he lets me know that he will know and feel my body. I love it when he looks straight into my eyes, unafraid to look and be seen. I love the little things that he did. I love it when he allows me to get a little glimpse of the sweet crazy ways in which he might be seeing me. I also like it when he asked me what I like.

I love the clarity he brings. He is so aware of whatever there is, confusion, sadness, tension, aggression or simply joy – he is always a step ahead. I love it when he sees chaos and I am no longer worried or am ashamed of. I promise to do the same for him. I love it when he takes a little time to clean up, shave and dresses well. He doesn’t need expensive clothes, but when he takes time to be presentable, it makes me feel like he cares about how he wants to be seen and that I am mindful. I enjoy the way he looks, sexy and gorgeous. Remember, I like the way he smells too. Don’t be shy about looking and smelling hot. Own and adorn his beautiful body with handsome clothes and perfumes and lotions.

I love it when he looks into my eyes when he is with me. I love the sparkle in his naughty eyes. I love it when he can be gentlemanly but also not too prissy or monk-ish when it comes to letting me know what he desires, admires and adores – and what he cannot understand!

I really like when he is present even for the one moment when he is making love to me. When we make love, remember that it is the most vulnerable place I go to. To let him into my body, my heart, my soul, my spirit so intimately. He respects this sacredness and be present there with me. Don’t be afraid of my request. Trust the moment and trust me. I will let him know gently for I promise that I am not criticizing him.

He is strong, sometimes showing up as arrogance. Don’t let it get too much into his head, because he might look as if he is too self-consumed with all the good work that he is doing and sometimes I feel like he is inaccessible and unapproachable. I like to practice some humility.

I beg him, to not ever hide me, lie to me or lie about me. If he is afraid to be seen in public with me, if he is too embarrassed or shy to proudly walk holding my hands and introduce me to his friends, just leave me. Don’t come back. As a woman, I yearn to be seen, not hidden in his own private world. When he hides me from his world which I long to proudly be a part of, he is hurting my self-esteem in a pretty brutal way. It will take a long time before I can feel worthy again. Truly, trust me that I can take care of myself. If he is not just that into me, and if I am not good enough for him, or if there is someone else, just let me know. Don’t worry about hurting me. I usually get over it and get on much quicker and with much joy if there is honesty.

I love it that we are unique being. We each have our own ways of kissing. It is a big thing. I love kissing. I may at times look ready and willing and wild and playful. Yet that does not mean that I am not shy. Please don’t get frustrated with me if I need more time. Please do not take it personally. I am opening up slowly, maybe not as quickly as he might like. Please understand that I may be very self conscious of the extra fold around my waist, the sagging breasts, my crooked nose, the darkness of my skin that sometimes bring up all sorts of cultural anxieties. Be patient with my neuroses. Patiently and softly invite me to love my flesh and my nudity, my blush and my dignity. Unabashedly and unashamedly bring his strong and genuine masculinity to me and to all areas of my life, which also transcending and including his own sensitivity. When he does this, he leaves me crazy hot and bothered. I need not say no more.

Help me bring my femininity and foster structure, direction and focus in my life. It is hard work to always have to radiate divine light. I cannot always do that. Oh how gorgeous he is – gorgeous embodiment of passion and spirit. Thank you for letting me feel his wide open heart that was broken. Just let give my strength and hold him in my arms. I trust the vastness of my being will dance around him like a wild woman and cry like a little girl. I trust the depth of my soul that is willing to challenge lovingly all shallowness. I also trust the depth of his soul is willing to challenge lovingly my shallowness. I trust everything that is in him as I fall on my knees before him. When I see him looking into my eyes, I know that I am profoundly proud to be HIS.

Birds of Paradise III

2011-08-07T11:21:00.002+08:00

Birds of Paradise II

2011-08-07T11:20:00.002+08:00

Birds of Paradise I

2011-08-07T11:16:00.002+08:00

Forgetful Me

2011-08-07T11:06:00.001+08:00

I was talking to my best friend this morning about my lack of memory recently. She said that I am menopausing as that is one of the symptoms. I know that this lack of memory thing is not legendary in my family. Come on, I am not even 51 yet – how can that be? I’d like to point a finger at something, but age is definitely not the culprit in this case. Then, I would like to blame it on the fact that I had too many things on my mind. That would be a lie too because my daughter and my life is totally not hectic at all. So what is it?

Because of my forgetfulness yesterday, my best friend is going to give me a ‘sekeh’ on my head the next time she sees me. I babbled to my best friend about everything. I do. It gives me a bit of revengeful satisfaction to tell you a little bit about her. I do think a lot about her personally and how bossy and protective she is. She acknowledges what I say and listens to me. Generally she agrees and laughs to my needs, my weirdness and my complaints.

We always laugh together whenever we talk. She tells me that she enjoys me. I am quite entertaining, you see! We are so attached to each other because we are alike but we are also the opposites of each other. While it is possible for me to forget almost anything, she is capable of remembering just about everything. But yesterday was a disaster. Because of my lack of memory, I have caused my boyfriend a world of grief. I do feel bad about that. He was so sweet and understanding! I knew then that he must really love me. Thank God for true love.

This morning, I am humbled and embarrassed by my perpetual forgetfulness. But, you see, it’s human nature. I know, I am so getting old but I hope I don’t forget lots of important stuff after this. Maybe my brain is trying to digest the important stuff only. What I’m afraid is to forget the most basic things because I had to remember what my brains classified as significant.

Love You Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel

2011-08-02T13:05:00.002+08:00

I have always been a person who knows who I am, and I am sure you feel the same way too about yourself. I always say, I should be myself, because everyone else is taken and that if I try to be someone else, it usually doesn’t get me very far.

We all must try to unlearn things about ourselves. In order to do so, we must recognize what we truly feel deep down inside of us and try to accept and be truthful about it. Sometimes during the process we find out that it can be disheartening when we find the truth about ourselves. Our inner compass will never lie. We are all capable of being true to what we believe in. Capable of being a good self because our true nature – we are all born pure, clean and good.

We all know at least one bitter, negative person. My theory is that most bitter people are not being true to themselves. My guess is that somewhere along the way, they took a wrong turn they’ve always regretted, and they take out their disappointment on others. The last thing you want is to be bitter, but the second-last thing you want is regret. No one wants regret - so I say, make active decisions, move forward, show people you care about them.

Showing yourself to me is being risky (this maybe how you are feeling). Don’t be afraid of what is to come because in the long run, only you know you are capable of being a good person. Only you can find the way to pursue the life you’ve always wanted. No one can make that decision for you. Just be yourself, whoever you are today and forever, I will be here to love you for what you are.

In Loving Memory

2011-07-10T12:40:00.003+08:00

I met my man seven years ago. He was the only person that understood me and loved me more than ever. I understood him and loved him more than I'll ever be able to express. Norbert died at home as he wished, in my arms. He lasted 3 months in ICU and only one night at home. I guessed he already made his decision to part from us and wanted me to be there at his side, to accommodate his 'comfortable' death. I actually thank God for the experience of having gone through the death process or my best friend and husband for it was profound. Through this experience of having watched my best friend draw his last breaths, I know how precious life really is.

Birds Of Paradise

2011-07-06T23:19:00.002+08:00

Enchanted Forest II

2011-06-24T12:48:00.003+08:00

Old Soul & A Young Man

2011-06-20T20:42:00.001+08:00

Many men would like to have a young woman as their partner. Many women too nowadays feels that they can afford to have a young male partner as more women takes care of their body better than our mothers used to.

As for me - I am an old soul. I don't think I can ever have a young man as my lover or partner as I feel that he will always challenge me through his incapacity to relate to the higher plane of existence that I have reached.

I have a feeling that whatever may encounter between a young man and old me will result in hurt and confusion. I want a soulmate who is one that is as old as I am, because I think a young man will find it hard to live up to my spiritual expectations.

I may feel like I like him a lot, that I may love him, but somehow we are not reaching a common ground between us. This young man still needs to make the same mistakes, before getting to a higher level of spirituality and that is why for an old soul like me, it would be impossible to find a soulmate in a young person.

I am always and still is in search for a soul that is the same age or older than me.

Sorry to disappoint all those out there!

2011-06-17T23:43:00.000+08:00

I Have Forgiven

2011-06-17T23:40:00.001+08:00

I slept with thoughts of you in the strangest way that I have ever felt in my life. Those days I closed my eyes with the confidence that I had you completely, entirely, but now left me with sadness and anxiety. Here I am again, writing something for you, like how I have always been, but this one, today will be different.

I loved you, I think I always will. I made myself miserable because I do not want to let go of that feeling, of that much love I have inside my heart for you. I've gone through a whirlwind of emotional torment, a phase of not knowing what I will be, but wanting only one thing, and it's you.

I wanted you for the rest of my life, and dreamed about doing everything together when we have the chance, but I realized, that we never really want these things.

Now I plan alone. At this very moment I'm setting myself free, to that much love I have from you, to that agony I went through waiting for you, burning that thin strand of hope that I have clinged to the moment you trashed me. This doesn't mean that I will forget you. I'll just stop mentioning your name and everything about you. From this day onwards I will live again. I will do my best to regain the life I have lost with any man who deserves to be loved for the rest of his life.

We have given each other enough time. I have given you all my love, and I'm sure I will love again. And when I love again, I will look back at all of these things and know somehow I do have fond memories of you. There should not be goodbyes for goodbyes mean forever not looking back. I am sure one day we will meet.

I have forgiven you, so you have to forgive me......please...!!!

Slice of Emotions

2011-06-17T22:54:00.001+08:00

Waves of Emotions

2011-06-17T22:52:00.001+08:00

Rained of Emotions

2011-06-17T00:18:00.002+08:00

Ruined by Emotions

2011-06-17T00:16:00.002+08:00

Was A Bed Of Roses

2011-06-17T00:15:00.002+08:00

Burst by Emotions

2011-06-17T00:11:00.001+08:00

It Snowed

2011-06-16T20:44:00.004+08:00

Love is so deeply a part of me, so far beyond definition and description. For you love is so elusive as you only halfheartedly seek it. You will know and understand love only if you engage in a very personal search of heart and mind and soul which leads to the very essence of your being.

Do you understand life? For life is love. I can't make you understand love. You alone must be willing to take the inward journey. I will repeatedly urge you to do so, for nothing can take the place of that understanding.

It Rained

2011-06-16T20:43:00.001+08:00

You think you already know what love is, when in fact you don't.

Sometime during our lives the majority of us will believe we have found true love, even though we have not. Many of us will go to our graves believing we have loved, when we never loved at all.

It Shined

2011-06-16T20:42:00.002+08:00

It is very easy to stop short of understanding love. The idea of pure, real love, is so alien to our experiences, so foreign to the world we live in, we subconsciously, and even consciously, reject it as a non-existent fantasy. Yet it does exist. Because we seldom, if ever, witness such love does not mean it is less than real. Because the experiences of our past and the realities of our daily existence attack love does not mean it is a fantasy. Our doubts and fears, desires and temptations, weaknesses and longing to "live", cannot change the fact that pure, true, real, love exists, and that people can love one another.

Kayla & Oma

2011-06-16T16:17:00.003+08:00

Everlasting Love

2011-06-14T22:56:00.002+08:00

I thought about the love that I have found when I searched my heart, my mind and my soul. I gave the love to you, and in return want to be loved. If you truly understand love, you will understand that true love can exist between us.

The love I found in my heart, my mind and my soul is far more than a physical attraction or magical moments. It is the ultimate joyful relationship between us where I care as much for you as for myself. If you understand love, you know it is the deepest commitment you can ever give me.

If we had loved each other, the look in each other’s eyes would not fill with lust but only love. When our hands touched, we do not feel desire but filled with deep feelings of love. When we are together we know that our love will not fade and will truly last a lifetime....

Eternal Love

2011-06-14T12:39:00.003+08:00

After my internal search, I believe love is what all people should give each other. I have perhaps not only found what gives life meaning and purpose right now, but also found that which makes it worth having faith in life beyond the grave.

At this point I just want to embrace without questioning the ideas of eternity and the goodness of love. I am saying I know you are finding it virtually or perhaps totally, impossible to decide whether or not to believe that love is worth living for.

If you do not know and understand what love is – give your heart to me. Only when you are willing to search your heart, mind, soul, your very being, to know love, will you understand the decision to love or not to love.

Only then can you make your choice.

Love Song - Adele 21

2011-06-13T11:21:00.002+08:00

My last song to him.....

A Broken Heart

2011-06-13T11:08:00.002+08:00

I guess it's unrealistic... to think that someone out there would actually wait for you because he said you were special. I was waiting and waiting for him to look into my eyes (for real) so that he will know how much I loved him. He never did. He never wanted to really see me. I wanted him to tell me how amazing I am and that I am everything he ever wanted. I know that no one can ever be truly satisfied or content with everything in life and that goes especially for one's significant other.

I came back from Australia (deep in me, I wanted to finally meet him). I was not disheartened by his refusal to come and see me. I consoled myself by saying maybe it should wait and that the time will come when we will finally see each other. I wanted him to continue to keep our friendship strong, but instead, he felt threatened and kept himself away. I don’t know what he is thinking. I am not asking him to compete with anyone, for my heart only belongs to him.

This is all I know, I would have waited a long time for that close to perfection imagery I've got in my head. This man is everything I ever wanted in someone. And I'm pretty sure he felt the same. But today, was the last draw. I told myself, I will not allow him to make me cry again, ever again and he did today. I am out of here, I am gone. There is nothing much I can do. I love him, but all I see are the mistakes of the past. What can you do to find proof that love legitimately exists between us when we are both so far away? I feel ruined, like I have a withering heart in my chest. I don't even feel like I belong in a relationship, because he a kind of man that belongs with a woman that can understand him. I can’t, I can only inspire…..

Most Kids Don't Have You, Mom!

2011-05-10T08:29:00.002+08:00

by Aizad Addean Abu Bakar on Monday, May 9, 2011 at 10:50pm

Dear Mummy,

This is a letter dedicated to you and all these years of love and devotion... Reading the letters and photos you posted up, made me realize that it's not that often that i send you one of these... so even if it is slightly late (mother's day was yesterday), I hope it shows how much you've made an impact in your children's lives...

Most kids grow up wishing they could hug and kiss their moms to show their love... well I can still do that even till this day!
Most kids need to find a pillow to lie infront of the TV... At 23, i still think my moms lap is the best spot in the house
Most kids are afraid to bring their girlfriends home to meet their mom... Here I have my mom bringing girls home to meet me!
Most kids are forced into lying their way to get out of school... well my mom signs a letter, lying to my teacher for me
Most kids grow up hoping to have a mother who understands.. I grew up having a mother who understood me more than i did myself...
Most kids learn to play the guitar from friends.. Well my mom taught me how to play "Oh Carrol" on the darn thing...
Most kids hide their "unspeakables" from their parents underneath the mattress... well my mom hid her unspeakables from me in the top cupboard..
Most kids get a cake for their birthday... I get 3 remarkable one-of-a kind-paintings hand-painted by mom herself..
Most kids get punished by pulling their allowance... my mom tells me she'd pull my man-parts "panjang keretapi"..
Most kids are taught to obey and accept the rules.... my mom taught me to question why things are so and believe in what FEELS RIGHT..
Most kids are told what to be when they grow up... my mom told me to just be true to myself
Most kids are only told of what's wrong with the world... well my mom shows us that we can do something about it
Most kids spend their afternoons after school watching cartoons... i get forced into watching my mom cry over the Oprah show
Most kids are told to fear the unknown... well my mom taught me to not know fear...
Most moms have photo albums of her kids and her freinds...my mom has a photo album on facebook called "girlfriend untuk aizad"
Most kids cant remember the crazy stuff they did as a child... well my mom posts it on facebook so you never forget!
Most kids poop in the toilet and clean up after themselves.. Well i pooped in my pants in class and my mom did a great job cleaning me up after..
Most kids are bullied and picked on in school... well my mom bullied the bullies back and wrote to the principal too!
Most kids have parents who write to their teachers or school... my mom still offers to write to my boss & employer
Most kids have parents who are boring and lame... well my mom dances, sings, paints, writes, plays instruments, and reads poetry...
Most kids never learn because of overprotective moms.. I have a mom who teaches us to learn from our mistakes..
Most kids wish their mom was cool...well unfortunately I have a mom who's cooler than me...
Most kids go on secret holidays with their girlfriends... my mom lets us take our gfs on holidays with us...
Most kids have moms who bury their faces in books... i, on the other hand, have a mom who's a facebook addict..

Most kids hope that their moms are proud of them some day... but I believe nothing beats having a mom to be proud of everyday :D

Love you panjang keretapi,

Aizad "Jendul" Addean

Happy Mother's Day Letter

2011-05-08T10:39:00.003+08:00

I have to let you know....that I have the most beautiful letter from the most wonderful daughter on earth. It brought tears to my eyes..and I want to share her letter with you............

The letter was written in a red paper. I presume it is because she knows my favourite colour is red. On top of the letter there is a sticker picture of her and me which we took in a picture booth when she was 3 years old. A beautiful memory.

The letter was written with a gold ink and it says "Happy Mother's Day! ♥ " at the top. The contents of the letter says "To my number one super mom. I may not be good with words like Adel, I may not know how to express my love for you like Aizad, but no matter how, I will find my way to let you know how much I ♥ you and how grateful I am to have you in my life."

‎"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, AMIRAH!"

‎" ♥ you until the earth's out of water :) ♥ "

I must admit my three children are like me. They express their emotions well. I tried to control my tears and continued reading...... This was written behind the letter. "Dear Mum, we always argue like there's no tomorrow, we fight, we don't talk, we laugh, we make each other happy, cause that's how we are. ♥ But even though you make me feel like I'm the lat person you need, even though you don't share much things with me like you do with Aunty Sayang, I get it."

‎"Cos I know you only share memorable (epic) things with me only :> You are a mother to die for. I will and always have ..... Love you with all my heart! ♥ "

I cried...and I cried..... of course ... I was so touched. She ended the letter with .... "You shall be the queen of the day, and I am here to serve. x "

Then at the bottom of the letter she added a slogan "EVEN WHEN I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, I STILL COULD SEE YOU SHINE"..... Ahhhh....I am the happiest mother in the world...... truly, a mother cannot ask for more....!!!!

Moments

2011-05-03T16:18:00.001+08:00

I love you, my only one. I do not know in my mind why I love you. I do not want to know in my mind. It is sufficient that I love you. It is sufficient that I love you in my soul and in my heart. It is sufficient for me to rest my head on your shoulder when I am sad, lonely and in solitude, or when I am happy, entranced and full of wonder. It is sufficient for me to walk by your side to the top of the mountain and to tell you every now and then "You are my companion, you are my companion".

An advance birthday wish for "A" - 11 May 2011

The Muse

2011-05-02T22:28:00.001+08:00

It is a late hour of the night, and we have said very little indeed of what we wish to say. Perhaps it is better to speak in silence until morning. And in the morning, my love one will stand by my side in front of our many works. And after that, when the day and its problems are over, we shall return to sit by the fire and talk.

And now bring your forehead nearer, like this - and may God bless you and may God protect you.

Unfolding

2011-05-02T22:25:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow we shall resume our discussion, but not let us go up onto the roof and stand awhile gazing at the stars of the night. Tell me, my loved one, is the night more profound and wonderful than the heart of man? Are the galaxies more awe-inspiring and beautiful than what moves within the heart of man? Is there, in the night and stars, anything more sacred than the white flame flickering in God's hand?

Swastika Sign

2011-04-28T12:33:00.001+08:00

I put up the swastika sign as my facebook profile this morning after watching a World War II movie but was asked to take down by two of my European girl friends. I argued to place my standing about not being a Nazi supporter. She asked me why I would want to put a negative energy close to my name. How could I put up that sign when I am helping with the blind, the orphans and the paediatric cancer society? I know about this being illegal in Germany (Austria) but I am Asian and many things are different in culture, customs, traditions, religion and beliefs from western and eastern.

Well, Hitler used the symbol for the Nazi party. Some of the western world knows little of the origins of the Swastika symbol, and automatically connect it to Hitler and his antisemitic views. But little do they know, before he took the symbol, the swastika is a symbol of good fortune in many religions such as hinduism, Buddhism, etc..Because of the wide usage of the symbol by the Nazis, it is seen as being antisemitic. Of course there is nothing wrong with the symbol, and I think I should continue to educate people of it. I don't blame anyone, maybe if Norbert is still alive he would also ask me to take it down.

I just want to say that we should all keep in mind that the symbol might mean something to you, but something totally different to others and we should all respect that. I took the swastika sign down from my Facebook because my friends have asked me to, not because I do not stand for what I believe.

Easter Makeover

2011-04-26T11:29:00.003+08:00

Amazing software. You are a master, Al. I must admit, between the two versions of the photo, the one the left is the woman I'd rather get to know. She's attractive in both photos, but the lines on her face tell me something about her. I would gather she likes to laugh, has a sense of humour. I detect a lust (the good kind) and a zeal for life. The pic on the right shows her in a state that's perfected, but also "conformed." On the right, she would seem interesting, but not too much so; funny, but only so much so. But again, I'm only talking about impressions. Al, your work is great. Had I not pointed out it has been retouched, no one would have known.

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I love the idea of untouched pictures, so much more realistic for the rest of us comparing ourselves to models in the magazines. I think I still look beautiful with the few lines and pigmentation marks like every other woman in her 50’s, although esthetically I am a super-looking woman so I have nothing to really hide.

My Husband Died

2011-04-25T20:27:00.001+08:00

Have I told you my husband died?

I must have.

I told everyone.

I told them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows.

I say it to myself again and again to remind me that he is gone.

I avoid thinking about him.

I also say it so people don't think I’m a divorcee.

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

And I am now a widow.

I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.

He died.

He died and left me.

He's gone.

Never coming back.

We wanted to live together for another 20 years.

I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.

Where do I go from here?

How do I start over?

Star over??? Yes, I have to. I want to.

It's creeping up on the one year mark next month.

A year.

I've been with him since 44.

I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.

I wanted to talk to him.

I wanted him.

That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.

I cried.

A few days before he died, he called me from his handy.

He said he missed me.

I think I did well.

I think.

But he is engrained in my inner being.

In my soul.

He is a part of me.

He is a part of everything I see.

Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'

It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?

When You Are Ready

2011-04-22T22:57:00.002+08:00

I want you to love me as I am. I want to be everything you ever wanted me to be and more. I want you to want nobody else but me and that I'm the only one for you.

I want you and I to go on dates, watch a movie and have great conversations. I want you to love my mind before my body. Explore my thoughts and get to know me. Don't shut me out.

Get to know everything about me, my sexual thoughts and know my needs. Bring me out of my shell innocently. Let's explore together. I want you to make me "ROAR" during lovemaking. You must know how to caress me with your strong hands, hold me close with every position change, not afraid to explore me physically,emotionally and spiritually.

Hearing you moan, turns me on the most. Hearing you moan my name while you taste me makes me want you even more. I want you to get rough with me, kiss me hard and passionately. I want you to be my everything, my best friend, my lover. I want our kiss to have meaning every time we kiss.

I want us to build an unbreakable bond. I want to tell you everything about me. I want to get to know you, your mind, your body, your spirit and your love. I want you to myself. I want friendship, romance and great sex!

So when you are ready to give it all, then come to me....

Be Honest

2011-04-22T08:35:00.003+08:00

The question this week was why people cannot be honest with each other. I have been doing the online dating thing for almost six months now. I have found what most people have found : that sometimes you meet someone, and then they suddenly disappear without a word. Or they were chatting and having a good time with you, and suddenly the rhythm change to being less available and giving lots of excuses.

Why? Why can't they just simply tell you that they have lost their interest? Why leave you hanging? They quite simply ignore you and never tell you what happened to change their mind. I want to believe that men have disappeared from my life because they didn't want to face any drama. They thought I might just freak out if they told me they had lost interest. Or maybe they have something up their sleeve by wanting to put me 'on standby' just in case other relationships do not work, then they have me to fall back to.

I just see it as a loss of courtesy in today's world. People just stop talking all the time. Even friends. You'll be texting and they never reply to any of your messages without an explanation. We wouldn't do this if the person were in front of us. But technology has made it easy to communicate. Even easier to ignore people.

I also think that men are COWARDS and don't have any courage. That's it. Plain and simple. I always find courage to tell a man I'm not interested. Though many times I will tell them a white lie so I don't hurt their feelings. It has happened to me before, sure it hurts and it's cowardly, but what can you do? I just chalk it up to that it just wasn't meant to be.

Most of the men think they are saving your feelings by just disappearing and that you should "know". Cowardly, but effectively if you're willing to see the signs. Move on. They are likely not bleeding in that ditch you imagine them in - although you'll want them to be the next time you do see them. Men don't like emotional stuff and in their minds a woman will go into nuclear meltdown and they possibly think they will be stuck with an uncomfortable emotional situation that they can't deal with.

Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news or provoke what is likely to be a scene or argument (neither of which will make the situation easier), and most people avoid confrontation when they can, so fading away usually seems like a better solution.

It might seem like a better solution as far as avoiding drama goes, but the ones who employ it are not respecting the other person nor are they providing closure as to what happened and why? I know with men sometimes it is just a feeling that they can't explain, as far as why they lose interest. So what would there be to tell if they aren't sure about it themselves. But even so, it is still not fair to leave someone hanging. Saying something is better than saying nothing.

I don't think the men were being cruel intentionally, but actually trying to be kind with a touch of being afraid of hurting my feelings. I think that's why guys make those disappearing acts. Being honest is really hard! Why would someone tell you they aren't interested know it will hurt your feeling? Being truly honest usually carries a high consequences. Rather than deal with a difficult choice it is easier to take the back way out.

My bff said that the actual idea of blatantly telling someone they are not worth the time of a day by wasting their time is such effed up fashion is wrong. If it had happened to me, I would harbour a deep sense of resentment towards the offender.

If a man or a woman are reluctant to tell the other person they they aren't interested in them out of fear of hurting them and/or possible ruining a friend that has already been formed. One that is sincere is their intention would choose to tell them rather deliberate avoidance or ignoring the person. Preferably this occurs before things between the two become complicated and they can remain friends.

Someone who could choose to avoid or ignore me, just proved that he is not worthy for me at all. Disappearing may be the best favour he could ever do for me. I want to tell him how I feel about it so maybe he won't do it again to others. Plus it is good to get it out of my system how I feel. Heck I am learning something in the process. Not communicating just leaves me guessing. If you just want to be a friend, be honest. Don't waste my time and if you treat me badly, you won't have to worry about calling me.

Compassionate Heart

2011-04-21T08:39:00.002+08:00

Would I be too embarrassed to let someone wipe my behind when I am too old to do it? When I took care of Norbert, I would do anything for him for I loved him. So, would there be anyone out there, who would truly love me enough to take care of me when I am old and incapable to take care of myself anymore?

I remember how Norbert had stayed positive – all the way. He surrendered to his disease and allowed me to take care of him and do most of the personal and basic things with the exception of breathing and swallowing his food.

When I think again, he had always been a very independent person, how did he fight all this? He told me, as first he was ashamed of many things that he could no longer do, like run, sit of floor and pray. He forgot what culture wanted out of him. He had ignored culture much of his life, anyway and decided not to be ashamed and what was the big deal anyway?

He began to enjoy his dependency. He enjoyed being manicured and pedicured. He loves when I rubbed lotion all over his body and massaged his legs. He reveled in it. He usually closed his eyes and soaked it up. And it felt very familiar to him he says, like going back to being a child again. Someone to bathe you and kiss you and be with you all the time. I tend to agree with him. We all have that ‘child’ thing in all of us and should now remember how to enjoy it.

I love to be a ‘mother’ to him. I used to hold him, rock him, stroke his head to sleep. We all yearn in some ways to return to those days when we were completely taken care of – unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.

Broken Heart - AC6

2011-04-20T10:11:00.001+08:00

Bring peace to my mind

Love to my heart

And joy to my soul

- And keep it there!!!

Desperate Heart - AC5

2011-04-19T22:10:00.002+08:00

I just want this feeling in me to go away!!! I want to feel like my life has meaning and somebody out there cares and could someday love me. ME!!! for who I AM!! Not because I changed into something they could love.

Someone out there, please look pass this smile and see how hurt and hold me till it goes away......

Aching Heart - AC4

2011-04-18T22:02:00.001+08:00

The moment of joy spent under the willow

The tear of the eyes that wets my pillow

Sometimes pain and sometimes pleasure

When given by friends, both are a treasure...

Empty Heart - AC4(1)

2011-04-18T21:07:00.006+08:00

All I know is that I fell in love with him and for that, I will have to pay with months of sleepless nights, loss of focus, losing weight, crying and fantasizing about him.

Passionate Heart - AC3

2011-04-18T20:56:00.003+08:00

He was happy because he was getting what he needed from the relationship, I was unhappy because it meant me being deprived of what I needed, and me not being myself. The same thing happened when he gave me what I needed. If our needs weren't so diametrically opposed and immensely important, it wouldn't have been a big threat to our relationship and our individual happiness.

If I give a little to compromise, I loose a lot of happiness and sanity. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. I now have the freedom to find someone that I don't have to change in order to get my most important emotional needs met. I think in a relationship, these are the most important needs to be met. I don't think our relationship should be this hard this soon.

It was bad timing. It was the long distance. It was difficult. I wish we only fell in love with the people we are compatible with.

Lonely Heart - AC2

2011-04-18T20:54:00.001+08:00

I have spent a lot of time thinking about us. Although I really care about you, I think we should move on.

I know it is hard for me, but I really hope you will find the love you deserve.

Longing Heart - AC1

2011-04-18T20:51:00.001+08:00

You will find someone amazing and I truly wish you all the happiness in the world.

Move On

2011-04-18T20:43:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, you handle certain things easily when others find it very difficult. When it comes to matters of the heart, I always find it very hard to handle. I guess, if things are just not working in whatever you are doing, or if makes your heart aches, I think it is time to move on.

Summer Garden

2011-04-16T00:24:00.001+08:00

Conscious Thoughts, Speech and Action

Every morning we say to ourselves, "I'm not going to sin today", and we mean it. Most often we are praying for forgiveness. Do we ever make it through the day without sinning? We tell ourselves we are going to be conscious of our actions, yet the next morning we start over again the same way.

As for me, I don't know which usually lets me down first, a sinful thought or a sharp tongue that often seems to work independent from the mind. I feel ashamed because I let my myself down again, but God forgives me and loves me anyway.

We all make resolutions close to new year and fail to keep it within a few days. Some of us plan to diet, made an attempt and lose weight only to put it right back on again. We are ashamed of what we do, yet we continue doing it, why? Are we hypocrites, or do we have demons that we are unable to exorcize?

Have you ever promise to be somewhere and not make it? Something comes up and you have to make a choice. Sometime you let people down by those choices. People that depend on you. Sure you are sorry but that does little to comfort others. Trust is weakened or sometimes completely gone. It feels bad to let someone down, especially those you love most.

Did you ever forget a birthday? Did you ever forget to do an errand? You may have put it off untill it was too late. You could have done it but chose to wait for one reason or another. Have you ever given your word and then backed out, sometimes at the last minute?

All these make us feel bad. We let ourselves and others down. From today onwards, let's try to do everything from every tiny thoughts, speech and action, consciously.

Summer In The City

2011-04-16T00:21:00.002+08:00

"I'd Rather See A Serman Than Hear One"

My brother once said to me, “Hang ni bila nak berubah?”

I questioned myself if I am supposed to be religious or am I supposed to be spiritual? Do people actually know what it means? I questioned the role of God in my life. They would question me what the main cause of my behaviour and my response would be that it is the hypocrisy of people who claim to be followers of God. Many Muslims are religious, no doubt, praying and fasting religiously but do they actually achieved or experienced spirituality?

Religion is not something I have strong connection with, because I always feel that religion is a man’s attempt to reach God. Religion focus on what pleases man. Most of what I see religious people do in today’s world is the end produce of what they think is appropriate to be religiously correct. There is so much emphasis on what is the correct way to dress, following the accepted behavioural pattern of the religious group they are identified with.

Being spiritual is opening oneself to God’s influence on his/her whole being. Spirituality involves one’s total self in his/her relationship with God. Being spiritual involves using your mind as well as your body to accomplish God’s will. I’d rather pray spiritually by going into my closet and get to talk to God than praying openly hoping that my prayer is accepted by God.

It’s 21st century. I am more concerned about doing good rather than observing ritual. I am more concerned with letting the light shine on me, so that God is glorified by how I live.

Summer Breeze

2011-04-15T23:14:00.001+08:00

A POEM FOR NORBERT

Who has been gone - 9 months now

Your love is.... the fresh ocean breeze,

Gently sweeping across my face,

Touching me from place to place,

Your love is...

The salty air I smell,

Clearing my thoughts and thinking,

Your love is...

The life preserver that keeps me from sinking,

When I go there to the sea,

I am not alone, for your love is with me,

I feel you all around,

The beauty, the wind, the mystery,

Your love engulfs me,

Takes my breath away,

Holds me in wind's arms,

When I close my eyes,

Dancing memories of your charms,

Never escape my deepest memory,

So if ever our souls part to say goodbye,

Meet me there, where the sea meets the sky,

Your love will forever be with me,

Where the sands touch the sea,

Our love lives on,

Our love flows back out into all eternity....

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

2011-04-15T15:23:00.001+08:00

Starry Nite Summer

2011-04-15T15:08:00.001+08:00

My life on earth, as it is being created right now, is the result of this. If I don't like any part of what I have created, invidivually or collectively, I may create it anew. In the next grandest version of the greatest vision ever I held about WHO I AM.

Playtime In Summer

2011-04-15T15:06:00.001+08:00

Everything in life moves in a swirl. Life itself is a cycle, who no start and no finish. Everything exists "as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end". The Presence of Cycle gives you the gift of eternity.

Summer Party Dresses

2011-04-15T15:05:00.001+08:00

The great Principles of Life - is to elevate not the Self, but the Other, to expand not the Self, but the Other, to enrich not the Self, but the Other - for it is by so doing that the Self is elevated, expanded, enriched, and experienced most fully.

Vajayjay

2011-04-14T19:58:00.001+08:00

We call it by so many names. And the recent ones I heard is vajayjay. Yes, we talk about the world down under, and I don’t mean Australia. Jay-jay is like pee-pee and poo-poo describing something private in a child like manner. I think vajayjay is a nice word, don’t you?

I have a few names for my vagina. Even my non-Malay speaking husband learns quite fast from me. I use them when appropriate (during sex is a different name, during anger is a different name). So now, I think vajayjay will join them. I am hereby selling the rights to call my vagina whatever I want.

Name your price. So, do you vajayjay? :P

Money

2011-04-13T12:43:00.006+08:00

Anywhere you go, people are always talking about money. Approaching you to invest and open a business or something of that sort. It is always about money, money, money. Why do people spend their life chasing money and believing that if only they have enough, their life would be great and they would be able to do the things they really wanted to do.

Over the weekend, I’ve spent with a friend and learned so much about what money can do. She is rich but money could not buy her happiness. You know, we have been told at an early age that we need to get a house, a nice car and all those things that society pushes upon us. No one ever teaches us to take steps towards minimizing our expenses and simplifying our life.

I think I can live on the street if I want to. Why not? Many people are so afraid of being broke and not having enough financially. Is it really that bad? What is it that really scares you about that? Is it how others will perceive you? I’ve found that the more I simplify my life, the happier I become. I don’t need stuff. I could buy a lot of things if I wanted, but I choose not to. I enjoy cutting down my expenses. When I spend less, I decrease the anxiety in my life and I allow myself to focus less on money.

Faith Tree

2011-04-13T02:05:00.001+08:00

Beamer

2011-04-08T09:22:00.004+08:00

This cannot be the love of my life. But YOU can be!!!

Summer Nap

2011-04-08T09:20:00.000+08:00

Queen of Hearts

2011-04-08T09:12:00.004+08:00

Dear Sayang Manzaini

I don't remember if I have given this painting a title, but now I want to call it "Queen of Hearts" - especially dedicated to you.

A woman who is full of everything (from her heart). You are the someone whom I could trust and feel comfortable talking to. You listened to everything, understood my happiness and my pain, cry and laugh with me. You are the right one for ME.

Emotions Revealed

2011-04-08T09:05:00.004+08:00

This painting was given to Korea. I have forgotten the actual title of the painting which was written behind the canvas. Painted in January 2011.

Summer Trees

2011-04-06T00:33:00.000+08:00

Summer Birdie

2011-04-06T00:32:00.000+08:00

Summer On The Hill

2011-04-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

Summer Sailing

2011-04-05T23:22:00.003+08:00

When you are in love, it is as if you have your most trusted friend by your side and you feel attracted to him.....

Summer Farm

2011-04-05T23:18:00.002+08:00

I am more myself when I am with you than with anybody else - so I know I am in love....

Expectations = Disappointments

2011-04-04T21:14:00.003+08:00

Many times I have written about not having expectations, so that we will not have disappointments. Every time I write something like this, I am always in a different frame of mind and mood.

I learned many things over the last 10 months of being alone.

Firstly, there is no possible way that I can have ‘no expectations’. This is purely figurative speech, but can never apply to reality. No matter how hard I try and what I do, I always expect things from those closest to me, and of course from myself (but I am not going to draw myself in expectations).

Having expectations is healthy, I guess. I expect that when I work hard that I may be rewarded. I expect to fall in love in order to have a fulfilling life. Are these extraordinary expectations? It just seems quite reasonable to me right now as I see expectations like goals but the difference is that we work towards a goal, but with expectations we expect it will happen.

I expected things to fall in place by end of October 2011 and I am working through it. However I am not expecting too much without having too much disappointment if things generally don’t work out the way I want it to be. Healthy expectations will help me through my daily life – like having faith (enough to know that something will happen without having to focus on things that hard).

Life is a giant puzzle and am not expecting to solve it…EVER!! I am just putting as many pieces I can together and hopefully the higher power, friends and family are there to help me with the rest.

Summer Decor

2011-04-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

Enrich Tree

2011-04-03T17:50:00.002+08:00

Colours Of My Heart

2011-04-03T17:40:00.004+08:00

Reason, Season or Lifetime????

by Sayang Manzaini March 28, 2011 at 8.28 am

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be...

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow and learn. They bring you experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

A lifetime relationship teaches you life time lesson, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationship and ares of your life.

Not everyone who comes into your life is supposed to stay there. Sometimes you're just a way station. Love them while they are there, love them when they move on, and trust that we all find our true home eventually.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

Fortune Tree 3

2011-04-03T09:44:00.003+08:00

How My Art Will Renew My Life - After Norbert's Death

by Amirah Husain-Doblinger on Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 6:31pm

It’s already six weeks now. I can still feel the apartment filled with joy, love and laughter. Everyone who knew Norbert knew what a “larger than life” personality he had. We got married after knowing each other for a short while and spent the most glorious life together....now what?

After several weeks of mourning and feeling a bit lost I wondered how do I get my life back on track. I had not worked for a long time, -- now what can I do to fill the void in my life? I had been in the hospital with him since February. I have not felt the need for a creative outlet yet. Didn’t hold a brush or doodle in a long time but I still love colours. People always tease me about being obsessed with the colour red. But somehow red feels warm, bright and it attracts attention. Red makes me happy. I never had a formal training in art and what do I know?

I am all out to start fresh. I don’t know if people really like what I have painted but I do know my husband has always been proud of my paintings. He said my paintings expressed the real me. A colourful woman, daring, fascinating, individualist, full of love and warmth. I feel like a kid again. Everything seemed so new and shiny. New brushes, tubes of paint in rainbow of colours and a couple of canvases. I am going to start painting with a sense of creative freedom and excitement. One of the rooms in the new apartment will be converted to a studio. Andrea says that is a very good idea.

My heart is pounding and I cannot help by smile to this new adventure. It's a whole new world I'm going to explore. The first few pieces will be hung in the entry hall of my new apartment so everyone can see them. The canvases will get bigger, the colours bolder and my soul will feel fuller.

To those who have bought my paintings, thank you. And darling, thank you too for believing in me!!

Fortune Tree 2

2011-04-03T09:43:00.000+08:00

Fortune Tree

2011-04-03T09:36:00.001+08:00

Enchanted Forest I

2011-04-02T08:10:00.001+08:00

Passion Of The Heart

2011-04-02T08:02:00.001+08:00

To Love What Is

2011-04-02T07:53:00.003+08:00

I woke up today feeling melancholy. And when I read your note about those people who come into our lives for a reason, it made me cry. It was as if you answered all my questions that I already knew, yet wanted validation and affirmation.

I remember one day, in the hospital with Norbert, I held him in my arms and lay beside him in bed. When the nurse saw us together, she grew shy and pulled the curtain around us. Do they think we need privacy? Then she said, “In all my years working in hospitals, you are the first couple I’ve ever seen in bed together”.

She was curious about us. She asked how long we’ve been together. I gave her a long answer. Fifty years since we fell in love, forty four years of separation and five years since we got back together. She grew mushy…..

After awhile, she got used to seeing us in bed and stop pulling the curtains. And every day, you keep reminding me of all the good times I had in my life and am ever so grateful that I have lived it the way it was supposed to be lived.

My Home My Sanctuary

2011-02-15T15:54:00.007+08:00

My home is my sanctuary a place of peace, happiness, and always full of joy. It may not be the choice of many people’s dream, but it is my dream. My home on the whole is a comfortable and a comforting place to be.

I have rules, not tons of them, but they are mainly common sense. Like no violence allowed, no abuse of others (including animals), or self. If you mess it - you clean it (sit down when you pee) etc…. Basically pretty easy rules to follow. I have a few that are different to what others have, such as you must remove your shoes when you enter my home, it’s done for two reasons; respect and cleanliness.

If you are a child I will treat you no different than my own for the most part, but you will be treated as a child. If you are an adult you will be treated as an adult. Everyone must treat one another with respect no matter what their age.

Manners must be followed at all times. The people that you live with, or share a home with, are in your lives on a daily basis. Why should you treat them worse than you would a stranger you meet on the street? Be a good conversationalist at dinner table and I will be happy.

Malaysians seemed to have forgotten how to behave in other people’s homes. If you like the way my house is decorated, great if you don’t then don’t mention it. It was designed to function for myself and my family. Designed for our comfort and our ease of use. I’ll be as polite to you in your home, I promise.

When did we as a human seem to forget that our homes are meant to be lived in, not merely a place to sleep at night. My place is not a show room that a neighbour has to be jealous of what I own, or trying to make them feel uncomfortable, but just a place to be happy and comfortable. I have been known for my great hospitality and I am enjoying it.

I can't wait to get home.....

I'm Just Not Into Him

2011-01-29T21:51:00.004+08:00

Aren't we single ladies always on the quest to find the perfect man? Just last week I was on that quest. After writing for 3 months, then I met him. For the sake of this post, let's call this perfect man Korea.

Korea is smart, nice, good-looking (looks slightly older than his age), atheist (which does not matter to me), and would spoil anyone rotten as a boyfriend. He's not just your average amount of nice; he has mastered chivalry to a T and is so caring that it makes my judgmental soul squirm. I can totally tell many young girls are eyeing him for themselves.

But I'm not. Because as perfect as he is, Korea just doesn't make me want to rip my clothes off. And I don't know why. I just don't have an inkling of a crush on Korean. Despite all his qualities, I don't find him all that attractive. I try to take a step past the superficial and focus my attraction on his kind nature and gifted mind, but it's not working.

We've had lunch dates at my favourite eateries (he even sacrificed meat for one meal to dine with me at my favourite vegetarian restaurant) and spent late nights talking. We even took a trip to the local farmers' market and he paid for my breakfast. Plus, we've also had the usual unexpected run-ins on the street and in each instance the butterflies just aren't fluttering.

I'm just not that into him. Well, that is, when I'm with him, I'm just not that into him. Of course I have a crush on him when he's not around! He is my perfect guy. But something is just not in sync when we're together. The birds don't sing, the sky doesn't shine a special kind of blue, and I'm not hoping that our time together will last forever. What else could I possibly want? Why aren't my hormones having the usual reaction to him?

After 33 Years - We Are 50

2010-12-15T12:37:00.005+08:00

Everything associated with the word gold or the number 50 seems to add to its importance. A 50th golden wedding anniversary or the 50th birthday of people, places and things always seems special. Why that is true, I don’t know. However, if it makes people feel good, why not celebrate. Personally, it sounds as if people think their marriage wouldn’t last 50 years or they didn’t expect to live to the age 50. Or could it be the colour gold and the number 50 makes us feel like celebrating.

Nevertheless, I must admit that I think the idea of meeting up with my school friends after 33 years for a reunion to celebrate our 50 years of being the 'golden girls' sound too exciting to let go. To me, a reunion is the celebration of thousands of memories and hundreds of friendships that have withstood the test of time, a renewal of bonds that will be taken to the grave.

During the weekend of 11th December 2010, the St Nicholas Convent, Alor Star class of 1977 - 35 of the golden ladies shared their past and their present of their 33 years of memories together. Even though most of us could not recall the other ladies from the different classes, their faces and their names, most of us knew each other because of the close-knit community in which we grew up. The true and real Muhibbah!!

Ladies from all three main three races (Indian, Chinese and Malay, not forgetting the others) came back to Kedah from across the country and as far as Perth, Australia and Brunei, to renew friendships and trip down memory lane as only those who were there with them could appreciate. I heard the ladies talking about their community, their children and husbands, their churches, old sweethearts, where they have been and what they have done.

Most of all, we talked about the teachers and their dedication to shaping young minds for the struggles and hurdles we would have to overcome not because of the colour of our skin. The first person I saw when I arrived at the hotel was Aik Poe. Immediately, I started to reflect on the good old days when we were all young and carefree — very few responsibilities.

From that point on, it was a trip down memory lane that was fueled by teasing and recollections. I saw ladies that I haven’t seen since leaving for college in 1977. It’s funny that 33 years sound so long ago, yet we all still feel the same deep inside except that we are all grown ups and have become older and wiser. I have lost touch with some of my friends and glad to have found them again - thanks to Facebook. That reunion night, I learned more about my friends life and their involvement. I saw the old photos and try to recognize all of them.

I was honoured to be the game organizer at the reunion. So, what does one talk about on occasion such as a 50th birthday reunion? Oh...you wouldn't want to know - cos we would have talked all night. Even though it was a celebration for the living, we found ourselves slipping into a state of melancholy when we found out about some of our close friends who have passed on through the years. We paid special tribute to the memory of our classmates. This is one of those times when you close your eyes and remember just how precious life is and how short our lives can be here on Earth.

The music was great, the food was delicious, and the renewal of friendships made this a wonderful reunion for everyone. Don't forget the next reunion will be in 2012 in Port Dickson.

See yall.....

Learning What Love Is All About

2010-11-30T11:41:00.004+08:00

To Adel, Aizad, Andrea and Maria (the precious people of my heart)

I will still love you even if you are not perfect. I will still love you if you are not the kind of person you wished to be. I will look into your eyes with warmth even if I only see your shadows. I will hold your hand even when I know that there will be times where you will let me down.

I yearn to take care of you as I should and I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades. How can I help you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of my spirit knowing that you have your darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in you?

Sometimes you’d be silent, with many things on your mind and I may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding you. Sometimes you’d get troubled and you’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles you. You wouldn’t be good company then, but you still make me smile.

Sometimes you get moody and you might not enjoy the things I’d like us to do together. Sometimes you’d lose my temper and you’d no longer act like the fine person you usually are. Sometimes you’d get jealous and you might say things you don’t really mean, saying too much that you might drive others away.

Sometimes you’d get touchy and you’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature you try to be, there are times you’d act in childish ways. You’d demand things you shouldn’t, you’d say thing you shouldn’t say. And no matter how much you desire to protect the people you love and make them happy, and not knowing and realizing that you are the one who cause the people you care about the most pain.

Just love each other, for love will not hurt you. I cannot promise that love will not make you cry and sometimes break your heart. But if you will love each other, and bare your whole self naked before the person you love, and reveal to them your soul, things will fall into place automatically. If you will love each other, you can be certain that you have the person you love not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love each other, you can be certain that you will love the depths of the person, all of that is in them, and in turn they will love you with all of what they have, with all of their soul, with all of their mind, with all their spirit, with all of their flaws and beauty, and with all of their very heart.

Don't forget, Mommy loves you!!!

Get A Dog

2010-11-29T05:37:00.004+08:00

I am still waiting for the right man. I tell myself that I know it always happen when you least expected, so I am not expecting. Just waiting.

I am also no longer the sociable type. Not the extrovert at least now. No more clubbing and bars and all the usual places people are meant to go courting. I now enjoy staying at home and I hope for a man who is much the same. Although how am I ever going to meet a stay at home type is anybody's guess.

It is difficult cos I am so much after romance. Want someone to hold. Someone I could rely on to always be there for me, to listen when I need someone to talk to.

Perhaps I ought to get a dog.

Mirror Mirror

2010-11-26T12:01:00.001+08:00

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Who's the biggest fool of all?

It must be the girl who can't stop crying,

Or maybe it's the girl who kept on trying.

I Love Being Me!

2010-11-23T10:19:00.003+08:00

What a wonderfully unique person I am! I love how it feels to be me. I enjoy my life and cherish all the little nuances that occur every day. I am where I am in life because of the choices I made and the work I put into being precisely who I am. I am exactly the person I want to be.

I will continue to grow and learn new things. I will continue to experience new things in life and transform for the better; this is part of being me. I have surrounded myself with wonderful people and I enjoy who I am when I am with them. I enjoy who I am when I am alone as well.

I take pleasure in soul-searching and I appreciate how I permit myself to enjoy solitude.

I am fun and caring. I am talented and trustworthy. I am glad to be just who I am.

Today I will have a special date with myself and plan a time where I can simply enjoy being me. I will do things I like to do and focus on the pure enjoyment of my time with me.

2010-11-19T23:32:00.005+08:00

2010-11-19T23:29:00.003+08:00

WHEN I AM TERRIBLE - I KNOW IT AND TRY TO RESOLVE IT

2010-11-19T23:21:00.002+08:00

I also know that I can be a bitch. It is not often that I can't control myself.. but it does happen (maybe once in 5 years?). When I am like this it reminds me that I am human and that I am aware of myself enough to know when I am being mean and awful. If I know when I am doing it then odds are it wont last long or I will just go hide in the room until it is over.

I AM NOT WISHY WASHY

2010-11-19T23:20:00.003+08:00

I just am not. As a matter of fact, I really hate that attribute in people. Isn't that terrible of me? Well tough because it is true! I wish people could just be more dedicated to their decisions. Even if they are wrong at least you were 100% wrong!

I AM GENEROUS

2010-11-19T23:18:00.003+08:00

I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. When I can give a little or a lot .. I do. I believe in the power of kindness and compassion as tools to change the world on a very basic level. I have more than many people could ask for. A warm home with people who love me, a car to get me from place to place, a nice financial stability to support my goals. An entertainment unit that makes my night a few times a week, and friends who would help me in anyway they could. So I have to ask myself what the Universe said of these gifts… and I remember that it was he who said that from those who have been given a lot a great deal will be expected – I don't mind if people don't agree with me because I am the only one who has to sleep with my conscience at night.

I AM FUN

2010-11-19T23:15:00.002+08:00

I laugh .. sometimes loud and on the floor out of control style, I am willing to make a fool of myself sometimes, and I am sort of fly by the seat of my pants most of the time. My friends often refer to me as upbeat and bubbly. I like those terms.. upbeat and bubbly. So yeah.. I am fun and sometimes even funny.

I KNOW WHEN I AM WRONG

2010-11-19T23:14:00.003+08:00

My personality is sort of odd. People tend to love or hate me. I know this.. and I know when I have issues that I need to work on in my life to make things easier for me. So when I am wrong.. I don't need to have to be told a million times.. I am used to being told that I am wrong and can handle it. If I need to change my point of view.. I will. If I don't.. then I will try to see why people see my view as off.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN

2010-11-19T23:10:00.003+08:00

I do not make promises easily. And when I do, I try to fulfill my promise as quickly as possible. I don't give excuses and appreciate being on time.

WHEN I DECIDE TO DO THINGS - I DO THEM

2010-11-19T23:08:00.002+08:00

When I was 17— I vowed to never to do things half way or half heartedly. And really.. I have stuck to my guns. If I set my mind to it.. I will do it.

I FORGIVE

2010-11-19T23:07:00.002+08:00

I cannot hold a grudge to save my life. I don’t know why.. maybe my parents just did something right with me and it stuck. But I cannot hate people.. or even hold things against them. If someone says they are sorry I believe them and forgive whatever they did. And trust me.. people have done some pretty horrific things to me in my past. But even then I really do choose not to allow myself to be bogged down by all of that. It is really nothing to do with not allowing others to have power over me.. I just don’t care to be drowning in the past.

I HAVE LEARNED A THING OR TWO

2010-11-19T23:04:00.002+08:00

Not all of the lessons have stuck.. but some have. I have learned not to think the world is out to get me or when something goes wrong that it is automatically someone else out to get me. I have learned from my uncle (who died a year ago) that love is not earned but given away without the expectation of a return on the investment. I learned from my parents that being nice is easier than being a shit head. I have learned from my son how to take care of someone other than myself and to want to do it the best way I know how. I have learned from my ex husband how to be a calm person and get the facts before I fly off the handle. I have learned from Norbert to be happy because life is a gift. I have learned from my mother to be humble because someone out there are on my heels and catching up with me and maybe one day I will be calling them for help. I have learned from death that it is normal to be depressed when someone you love does not come home anymore and all you wanted to do is to be given a chance to hold that someone you love just one more time. I have learned from my sisters to just stop bitching all the damn time (that one was mostly by observation). I have learned from my brother not to boast too loudly because the fall from that pedestal is a hard one. I have learned from all of the people who have mistreated me or others that I don't have to take that road and not to treat them the same way in kind.. even if some people say they deserve it. I have learned from my love of books that there are a million points of view.. and they are all right and all wrong. So there.. I have learned a thing or two - from books, music, movie and food. Thank God I am still open to learning more.

I VALUE MY FAMILY & FRIENDS

2010-11-19T23:02:00.004+08:00

I love my children and my friends because they are proud of me even when I screw up. I still know how to be a good person, love others, and do the right thing. And that is basically what this one is about. I know how important these people are in my life and I don't want to lose them. No matter how powerful you think you are.... it is always nice to have someone to let you hide behind their skirt every once in a while.

I AM NOT ALL THAT HARD IN THE EYES

2010-11-19T22:58:00.003+08:00

I suppose I can thank genetics for that, and I know it sounds so arrogant to say.. but I honestly don’t feel that I am an ugly person.

I AM ABLE TO LEARN

2010-11-19T22:56:00.002+08:00

This I am REALLY good at. Seriously. I am so interested in learning that I will spend ample amounts of time researching things that interest me. I am really not a passive learner at all.. and that was something I had to learn how to do after being a part of the university machine for so long. Learning without being graded is by far the most rewarding way to do it!

I AM A GOOD MOTHER TO MY CHILDREN

2010-11-19T22:53:00.002+08:00

I am very invested in making sure they learn the rules of the road before I set them out on their own. I give them guidance and want to be there for them. I am home with them a lot, and hate to dump them off with others. I try to make them see that their actions affect the world. Although I am not perfect, I am a good mother to my children and that is all I can be.

I AM WILLING TO TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND ALLOW OTHERS TO DO IT TOO

2010-11-19T22:51:00.002+08:00

I don't believe in one shot chances. If it takes you years to accomplish it .. and you accomplish it.. then it does not matter how long the effort took. I believe in second chances.. third chances.. and even more. But I think people need to show a real effort and understand their limitations. I believe that if people are willing to work hard at it.. and they accomplish their dreams! So I guess what I like in this one is that I am willing to work hard, screw up and still get to the finish line.. but that I expect it from others as well. Does that make any sense at all?

I AM A GOOD TEACHER

2010-11-19T22:49:00.002+08:00

I put effort into helping others to open their minds to new ideas. I care that they are enthusiastic about learning and don’t limit them to traditional memorization and regurgitation. I also expect them to work hard and push themselves. I don’t set my standards low and I don’t make them jump through hoops to see that they are becoming better people. I want to make sure they see the applicability of education to the “real world” and not make them see learning as just a means to an end but a lifelong pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. Also, I love my volunteer job and it shows.