Cycle of Life

It Feels Different This Time....

In the beginning, it isn't so much a matter of moving on, I don't even know how to get through the day. Everything in the house reminds me of him. I can't read or watch tv, I can't sleep because he kept creeping into my mind. I find every excuse to get away from Port Dickson as much as possible.

I recall dreaming of him twice. Once after exactly two weeks after his death, and the second one three weeks after his death. Then none at all. The lights in the house started flickering, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the bedroom. Maybe he is trying to communicate with me - Anwar says that I want to think that that is his dad's spirit but it is not.

I think it is "slowly fading" away. I couldn't imagine moving on then, but I feel different now - coming back home after the Hariraya. With each day that passes I move farther and farther away from that initial shock and grief. I see myself showing signs of looking forward to new futures, and it seems clear that I am entering a new phase. What I also found out is that the grief remained painfully close as I imagined it would be.

Four months has passed. I expect to feel a lot better than I may actually feel. I discovered that there is that numbness that occurs when loss is so terrible our minds can't bear it. The numbness wears off, the thoughts that need processing emerge. The grief flares up, the numbness returns, almost as if for the first time. I gave myself permission to not think about the grief or him as much as possible. I told myself he would understand if I had to wait for a while before thinking about him. I reminded myself that I had the rest of my life to think about him, and that my main objective at the time was to get through each day.

I did my normal activities again and it helps. Now I can have those positive moments again like as simple as laughing at a televison show or enjoying a walk on beautiful day. I started new projects and buy something that gives me pleasure. I get out and have some good conversations and coffee with friends. I am lucky, the holiday time brought some big joys back into my life. Having people around helps. We listened to cheerful music, enjoying a morning or evening walk together, going out to have a coffee, spending time with children, helps keep my mind on more pleasant things. I may not be able to control what big joys come or when, but I sure can control whether or not I find some small ones.

I am taking care of my emotions slowly but surely. Moving on is taking me by the hand and leading me away from the grief.

Words Do Hurt

by Amirah Husain on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 12:56am

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". That's bullshit! An absolute bullshit! Whoever wrote this didn't have a clue.

I concur with Robert Fulghum, US author and Unitarian clergyman, who said, "Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts..." Many of us are getting the sticks and stones of life now because of the pain of words ill-spoken.

I have a theory. If you have to "prove" something, then something inside of you is undecided about your value. At a deep level, you aren't sure if you are worthy. However, instead of facing your pain, you seek to achieve something to prove you're okay. The hurting words are no longer outside of you, but are inside your head taunting you, bullying you, criticizing you. You've become your own abuser.

I remember the pain of words spoken. When you are being accused of something that you are not. Hey, I am not the bad person you are making me out to be, okay? I don't like to be made a failure. I will not let your words hurt me. I am not going to be blinded by your pain and let you harm me. I am not going to internalize your damaging words into my life. Truth sets me free. Truth spoke to my heart and reminded me of who I am and how irrefutably valuable I am. I am all ready to heal.

You Know What Turning 50 Means?

by Amirah Husain on Monday, August 30, 2010 at 6:13pm

I called up my best friend today. Told her I am going off for a holiday for 10 days. Asked her if she wants to come with me. She said, "How come you have so much money, travelling here and there?" I had no choice but to tell her that I will be getting my EPF cos I am turning 50. Of course I didn't expect her to laugh and said "OMG......you're half a century!!" In my heart, I said "Babi!!!!"

I sat back and thought, holy crap, how the hell did that happen? 50? I am hitting a major milestone in a few days. I think most people would not want tell their age, but I am thrilled to pieces. I am not growing older, I am growing better. Actually, whatever it is, I can't run away from it. Everything about me is pretty much intact however I want to tell you what sucks and what doesn't suck.

But I swear I just turned 30 about 2 years ago. Which means in another 4 years: poof! I'll be hitting the bucket. I need a little more time to figure out how to fucking slow the time down. Then this morning, as I looked up the mirror in the bathroom, I asked myself, what happened to you? I checked on the lighting and said "wrong direction". It has casts creepy shadows and the reflection is of a 100 year old woman. I stared again. Where was that fresh-faced-30-year old version of me that lives in my head and my old photo albums? No, it is the real me, with frown lines, freckles (wished I didn't spend so much time in the sun), sagging cheeks especially around the corners of my mouth. I went to my computer and took several shots of me and even with the most flattering light, it doesn't help. I then said to myself, no matter how much people exercise, I don't think they can avoid the wrinkles around the neck. I gave up.

I am sure you have seen my status on fb many times about colouring (touching up) my gray hair. Well, surprise surprise, I not only have gray hair, I also happen to find two strands of gray eye brows. WTF!!!!!!!! I said, they are silver (or ok, white) that are appearing with increasing frequency serve to remind me that I'm not young anymore. That part I don't like at all, cos how do you colour your eyebrow???

I know I am 50 cos the fasting month tells my body so. Seriously, I have not so much energy, no more muscle strength, and having trouble loosing weight. But what the heck........So the major drawback to hitting my fifties seems to be the idea that I'm in my 50's--and the assumption that life will soon start to accelerate in a downhill direction. And yet, I hang out with folks in their 50's, 60's, and 70's who are still kicking ass and having a blast.

Is It Possible?

Dear Tom

The question is, can you fall in love with someone you have never met? I gave the question a thought last nite. Maybe it really depends on what you mean by falling in love. For me, I take sight, touch, movement etc. that comes with actually meeting someone, finding the real attraction, and letting the mystique of "getting to know" each other work its magic. However, however......

It is not impossible to love someone you have not met. When love comes, you feel it and no matter if the person is right there or far away, it feels the same. (It's like spiritual connection). I do believe even if you do end up falling in love with someone you haven't met you eventually do have to meet and never expect perfection. I think you have to think I love this person but unconditionally at this point in time and it is a friendship. If it is meant to be something more it will be. I know it is possible to love someone you haven't met by keeping things in perspective. I know what I feel and I'm optimisic. I believe anything is possible.

I also thought about arranged marriage that is often practiced quite widely in India. How the woman experience unexpected love and romance in her life. It sounds very interesting. A couple spoke on Oprah, where an Indian bride said that the question of whether the bride and groom are in love is not a priority. What is important is that the marriage is stable with staying power. She likes the part where she learns everyday something new about her husband. How he takes to his coffee when she prepares them. Which side of the bed should they fight for? I was smiling to myself thinking that this could happen to us.

Love makes the world go round. We all need and want to be madly and passionately in love. I know, I have to love you for what you are, and when we meet, we see what happens. I believe meeting someone as early as you can - transparency is quite important in making romance work. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by investing my heart so much in the process. I am also afraid that otherwise the fantasies we each built in our heads will overwhelm reality. As much as we tell each other not to make expectations, it is human nature and it happens. I am trying my best to stay open and not fall so early, but easier said than done, right? I can only speak for myself and not others. Do you think we would disappoint each other when we really meet? It is definitely not great for the ego. But hey, life is about trying.

I am all hearts for you........
Amy

I Am Off - Looking For Romance

I have always been a sucker for being a little romantic. Call me old fashion and lame. Finding real love seems to be the question and desire for mankind since the beginning of time. My favourite quote is “To love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence”. Humans have the ability to love, and to be loved. I have these traits, yet I am struggling to find true love.

Andrea and Maria went out to get more DVDs. They brought back “love stories”. Since like I said, I am a sucker for romance, I sat and watched two romantic movies in a day. I said to myself, “it can happen....” Movies sometimes trick my mind on what love should be. It's not that there aren't truly romantic and magical moments but what I see in the movies today, I truly want to experience love - again. You know, Hollywood has a way to make it seem so simple. It's not at all. It's just most of the time movies don't always focus on the pain you truly feel when you feel this way about a person. Or when they do focus on the pain, it still seems to always be easy. When there is love, there will always be pain too. Some people can't deal with the pain and run from it. Sometimes you have to fight for true love. Sometimes you have to be patient and let it come to you. You can't change a person's heart, all you can do is open their eyes. You've never loved someone, if you've never felt the pain.

In my experience, where I've had quite a taste of it, love isn't just a wonderful feeling. It's an extremely terrifying, thrilling, and remarkable feeling all in one. It's something I will never forget and never seem to shake. There's no time solution with real love. Once I feel it, it doesn't disappear. I can be with a person for many years, and it feels just as glorified. I am aware that when I enter down a road of finding real love, it's a very heavy emotion. If I don't treat it right, it can tear me apart. I will learn to handle the emotion properly, it will be the greatest thing that will ever happen to me. Anything that didn't feel possible, is possible now.....

Why I Love Slow - Peaceful Simplicity

My children have suggested that I move back to KL. They didn't want me staying alone in PD. How could I? For the last five years I have focused (in my daily life) to do whatever tasks slow, with ease, in mindfulness, resolve each job in a relaxed way. I give them all my attention. I cannot go back to the city and live there.

I hate to rush through tasks, trying to finish as much as I can each day, speeding through traffic to my next destination. I hate exhaustion and stress. I want time for what's important in my life, spending with loved ones, doing things that I am passionate about.

My life is simpler now. I cannot do everything. So now, I can choose to do what is important in my life by eliminating what are not so important. Whatever I am doing, whether taking a shower, or brushing my teeth, or cooking dinner, I am definitely slowing down. I am enjoying what I am doing and I pay every attention to it. I am doing one thing at a time, and doing it well.

My daughter thinks I drive slower cos I am older now. She says I give her headaches. Driving was something that I did that was often mindless and rushed. Instead, now I slow down and enjoy the journey. I am eliminating stress and what does she know about stress?

When I am having time to myself, she'd check on me. She wants to know if I am okay. How do I explain to her that I was creating time for solitude. How important it is to have some time to myself. Just do nothing but just sprinkle simple pleasures. I just wanted to practice being in the moment. Find inspiration and enjoying life now instead of saving it for later. I am not talking about sex here, if it is sex, I have to go for delayed gratification).