Tuesday, November 30, 2010
To Adel, Aizad, Andrea and Maria (the precious people of my heart)
I will still love you even if you are not perfect. I will still love you if you are not the kind of person you wished to be. I will look into your eyes with warmth even if I only see your shadows. I will hold your hand even when I know that there will be times where you will let me down.
I yearn to take care of you as I should and I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades. How can I help you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of my spirit knowing that you have your darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in you?
Sometimes you’d be silent, with many things on your mind and I may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding you. Sometimes you’d get troubled and you’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles you. You wouldn’t be good company then, but you still make me smile.
Sometimes you get moody and you might not enjoy the things I’d like us to do together. Sometimes you’d lose my temper and you’d no longer act like the fine person you usually are. Sometimes you’d get jealous and you might say things you don’t really mean, saying too much that you might drive others away.
Sometimes you’d get touchy and you’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature you try to be, there are times you’d act in childish ways. You’d demand things you shouldn’t, you’d say thing you shouldn’t say. And no matter how much you desire to protect the people you love and make them happy, and not knowing and realizing that you are the one who cause the people you care about the most pain.
Just love each other, for love will not hurt you. I cannot promise that love will not make you cry and sometimes break your heart. But if you will love each other, and bare your whole self naked before the person you love, and reveal to them your soul, things will fall into place automatically. If you will love each other, you can be certain that you have the person you love not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love each other, you can be certain that you will love the depths of the person, all of that is in them, and in turn they will love you with all of what they have, with all of their soul, with all of their mind, with all their spirit, with all of their flaws and beauty, and with all of their very heart.
Don't forget, Mommy loves you!!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
I am still waiting for the right man. I tell myself that I know it always happen when you least expected, so I am not expecting. Just waiting.
I am also no longer the sociable type. Not the extrovert at least now. No more clubbing and bars and all the usual places people are meant to go courting. I now enjoy staying at home and I hope for a man who is much the same. Although how am I ever going to meet a stay at home type is anybody's guess.
It is difficult cos I am so much after romance. Want someone to hold. Someone I could rely on to always be there for me, to listen when I need someone to talk to.
Perhaps I ought to get a dog.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I will continue to grow and learn new things. I will continue to experience new things in life and transform for the better; this is part of being me. I have surrounded myself with wonderful people and I enjoy who I am when I am with them. I enjoy who I am when I am alone as well.
I take pleasure in soul-searching and I appreciate how I permit myself to enjoy solitude.
I am fun and caring. I am talented and trustworthy. I am glad to be just who I am.
Today I will have a special date with myself and plan a time where I can simply enjoy being me. I will do things I like to do and focus on the pure enjoyment of my time with me.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I also know that I can be a bitch. It is not often that I can't control myself.. but it does happen (maybe once in 5 years?). When I am like this it reminds me that I am human and that I am aware of myself enough to know when I am being mean and awful. If I know when I am doing it then odds are it wont last long or I will just go hide in the room until it is over.
I just am not. As a matter of fact, I really hate that attribute in people. Isn't that terrible of me? Well tough because it is true! I wish people could just be more dedicated to their decisions. Even if they are wrong at least you were 100% wrong!
I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. When I can give a little or a lot .. I do. I believe in the power of kindness and compassion as tools to change the world on a very basic level. I have more than many people could ask for. A warm home with people who love me, a car to get me from place to place, a nice financial stability to support my goals. An entertainment unit that makes my night a few times a week, and friends who would help me in anyway they could. So I have to ask myself what the Universe said of these gifts… and I remember that it was he who said that from those who have been given a lot a great deal will be expected – I don't mind if people don't agree with me because I am the only one who has to sleep with my conscience at night.
I laugh .. sometimes loud and on the floor out of control style, I am willing to make a fool of myself sometimes, and I am sort of fly by the seat of my pants most of the time. My friends often refer to me as upbeat and bubbly. I like those terms.. upbeat and bubbly. So yeah.. I am fun and sometimes even funny.
My personality is sort of odd. People tend to love or hate me. I know this.. and I know when I have issues that I need to work on in my life to make things easier for me. So when I am wrong.. I don't need to have to be told a million times.. I am used to being told that I am wrong and can handle it. If I need to change my point of view.. I will. If I don't.. then I will try to see why people see my view as off.
I cannot hold a grudge to save my life. I don’t know why.. maybe my parents just did something right with me and it stuck. But I cannot hate people.. or even hold things against them. If someone says they are sorry I believe them and forgive whatever they did. And trust me.. people have done some pretty horrific things to me in my past. But even then I really do choose not to allow myself to be bogged down by all of that. It is really nothing to do with not allowing others to have power over me.. I just don’t care to be drowning in the past.
Not all of the lessons have stuck.. but some have. I have learned not to think the world is out to get me or when something goes wrong that it is automatically someone else out to get me. I have learned from my uncle (who died a year ago) that love is not earned but given away without the expectation of a return on the investment. I learned from my parents that being nice is easier than being a shit head. I have learned from my son how to take care of someone other than myself and to want to do it the best way I know how. I have learned from my ex husband how to be a calm person and get the facts before I fly off the handle. I have learned from Norbert to be happy because life is a gift. I have learned from my mother to be humble because someone out there are on my heels and catching up with me and maybe one day I will be calling them for help. I have learned from death that it is normal to be depressed when someone you love does not come home anymore and all you wanted to do is to be given a chance to hold that someone you love just one more time. I have learned from my sisters to just stop bitching all the damn time (that one was mostly by observation). I have learned from my brother not to boast too loudly because the fall from that pedestal is a hard one. I have learned from all of the people who have mistreated me or others that I don't have to take that road and not to treat them the same way in kind.. even if some people say they deserve it. I have learned from my love of books that there are a million points of view.. and they are all right and all wrong. So there.. I have learned a thing or two - from books, music, movie and food. Thank God I am still open to learning more.
I love my children and my friends because they are proud of me even when I screw up. I still know how to be a good person, love others, and do the right thing. And that is basically what this one is about. I know how important these people are in my life and I don't want to lose them. No matter how powerful you think you are.... it is always nice to have someone to let you hide behind their skirt every once in a while.
This I am REALLY good at. Seriously. I am so interested in learning that I will spend ample amounts of time researching things that interest me. I am really not a passive learner at all.. and that was something I had to learn how to do after being a part of the university machine for so long. Learning without being graded is by far the most rewarding way to do it!
I am very invested in making sure they learn the rules of the road before I set them out on their own. I give them guidance and want to be there for them. I am home with them a lot, and hate to dump them off with others. I try to make them see that their actions affect the world. Although I am not perfect, I am a good mother to my children and that is all I can be.
I don't believe in one shot chances. If it takes you years to accomplish it .. and you accomplish it.. then it does not matter how long the effort took. I believe in second chances.. third chances.. and even more. But I think people need to show a real effort and understand their limitations. I believe that if people are willing to work hard at it.. and they accomplish their dreams! So I guess what I like in this one is that I am willing to work hard, screw up and still get to the finish line.. but that I expect it from others as well. Does that make any sense at all?
I put effort into helping others to open their minds to new ideas. I care that they are enthusiastic about learning and don’t limit them to traditional memorization and regurgitation. I also expect them to work hard and push themselves. I don’t set my standards low and I don’t make them jump through hoops to see that they are becoming better people. I want to make sure they see the applicability of education to the “real world” and not make them see learning as just a means to an end but a lifelong pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. Also, I love my volunteer job and it shows.
For some people this is seen as a flaw. I don't care to see it that way. I am open to the things people feel - bad or good- and I try to put myself in their position to try to understand where those feelings come from. Empathy is not as innate as some might think. I think the natural tendency is to be a little self centered. Maybe I have learned how to be more open as I have gotten older.
Really I am. Kids, the elderly, middle aged people who are depressed, animated characters on TV. I feel for them all. I have always felt for other people and I think that is a good thing. Some say it is a dog eat dog world and you have to take what you can no matter what.. I don't believe that and I doubt I ever will.
I generally know when people are saying what they mean or saying what they think I want to hear. It happens mostly in my stomach and works its way to my brain. I don't ignore this sixth sense—rather I use it to help me relate to people better.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I'm a dreamer who has the tendency to stumble straight into her dreams and then fall out of them right onto her face. Falling in love has never been my problem. I don't mean to sound shallow, but guys have always been interested in me. My problem is simply that I get carried away with love.
It's not that I don't have standards, because I do. I know what I want from a relationship and if a guy can't give me that, then I don't bother. However, I kept getting guy on the net who wants to know me, but it never feels right. Something always happen and I always catch them not being honest after a month of chatting. In the end, I'm back where I started... single and looking for that dream again.
There are guys out there who has no problem finding things to talk about, witty, and so on and so forth. It's rather surreal actually; like a fairly tale. Every time I wait for him to be online, my heart skips a beat and the butterflies in my stomach flap crazily.
The only problem is, that I know that I shouldn't get carried away. I'm sure these guys are chatting with many other women out there - just the same carefree way that he talks to me, though I'd like to be selfish and say that I am the only one. I can't help it though. We talk about profound things that matter only to the hearts of people who have felt them; I feel that he is a kindred soul.
Eventually, after a few months of chatting they are either married, or they are not the person who they claimed to be. I suppose that I would go on living my life in a dream. As of right now, I am telling the Universe my dream man - how I want him to be.
I got carried away... again.