Friday, November 19, 2010
I also know that I can be a bitch. It is not often that I can't control myself.. but it does happen (maybe once in 5 years?). When I am like this it reminds me that I am human and that I am aware of myself enough to know when I am being mean and awful. If I know when I am doing it then odds are it wont last long or I will just go hide in the room until it is over.
I just am not. As a matter of fact, I really hate that attribute in people. Isn't that terrible of me? Well tough because it is true! I wish people could just be more dedicated to their decisions. Even if they are wrong at least you were 100% wrong!
I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. When I can give a little or a lot .. I do. I believe in the power of kindness and compassion as tools to change the world on a very basic level. I have more than many people could ask for. A warm home with people who love me, a car to get me from place to place, a nice financial stability to support my goals. An entertainment unit that makes my night a few times a week, and friends who would help me in anyway they could. So I have to ask myself what the Universe said of these gifts… and I remember that it was he who said that from those who have been given a lot a great deal will be expected – I don't mind if people don't agree with me because I am the only one who has to sleep with my conscience at night.
I laugh .. sometimes loud and on the floor out of control style, I am willing to make a fool of myself sometimes, and I am sort of fly by the seat of my pants most of the time. My friends often refer to me as upbeat and bubbly. I like those terms.. upbeat and bubbly. So yeah.. I am fun and sometimes even funny.
My personality is sort of odd. People tend to love or hate me. I know this.. and I know when I have issues that I need to work on in my life to make things easier for me. So when I am wrong.. I don't need to have to be told a million times.. I am used to being told that I am wrong and can handle it. If I need to change my point of view.. I will. If I don't.. then I will try to see why people see my view as off.
I cannot hold a grudge to save my life. I don’t know why.. maybe my parents just did something right with me and it stuck. But I cannot hate people.. or even hold things against them. If someone says they are sorry I believe them and forgive whatever they did. And trust me.. people have done some pretty horrific things to me in my past. But even then I really do choose not to allow myself to be bogged down by all of that. It is really nothing to do with not allowing others to have power over me.. I just don’t care to be drowning in the past.
Not all of the lessons have stuck.. but some have. I have learned not to think the world is out to get me or when something goes wrong that it is automatically someone else out to get me. I have learned from my uncle (who died a year ago) that love is not earned but given away without the expectation of a return on the investment. I learned from my parents that being nice is easier than being a shit head. I have learned from my son how to take care of someone other than myself and to want to do it the best way I know how. I have learned from my ex husband how to be a calm person and get the facts before I fly off the handle. I have learned from Norbert to be happy because life is a gift. I have learned from my mother to be humble because someone out there are on my heels and catching up with me and maybe one day I will be calling them for help. I have learned from death that it is normal to be depressed when someone you love does not come home anymore and all you wanted to do is to be given a chance to hold that someone you love just one more time. I have learned from my sisters to just stop bitching all the damn time (that one was mostly by observation). I have learned from my brother not to boast too loudly because the fall from that pedestal is a hard one. I have learned from all of the people who have mistreated me or others that I don't have to take that road and not to treat them the same way in kind.. even if some people say they deserve it. I have learned from my love of books that there are a million points of view.. and they are all right and all wrong. So there.. I have learned a thing or two - from books, music, movie and food. Thank God I am still open to learning more.
I love my children and my friends because they are proud of me even when I screw up. I still know how to be a good person, love others, and do the right thing. And that is basically what this one is about. I know how important these people are in my life and I don't want to lose them. No matter how powerful you think you are.... it is always nice to have someone to let you hide behind their skirt every once in a while.
This I am REALLY good at. Seriously. I am so interested in learning that I will spend ample amounts of time researching things that interest me. I am really not a passive learner at all.. and that was something I had to learn how to do after being a part of the university machine for so long. Learning without being graded is by far the most rewarding way to do it!
I am very invested in making sure they learn the rules of the road before I set them out on their own. I give them guidance and want to be there for them. I am home with them a lot, and hate to dump them off with others. I try to make them see that their actions affect the world. Although I am not perfect, I am a good mother to my children and that is all I can be.
I don't believe in one shot chances. If it takes you years to accomplish it .. and you accomplish it.. then it does not matter how long the effort took. I believe in second chances.. third chances.. and even more. But I think people need to show a real effort and understand their limitations. I believe that if people are willing to work hard at it.. and they accomplish their dreams! So I guess what I like in this one is that I am willing to work hard, screw up and still get to the finish line.. but that I expect it from others as well. Does that make any sense at all?
I put effort into helping others to open their minds to new ideas. I care that they are enthusiastic about learning and don’t limit them to traditional memorization and regurgitation. I also expect them to work hard and push themselves. I don’t set my standards low and I don’t make them jump through hoops to see that they are becoming better people. I want to make sure they see the applicability of education to the “real world” and not make them see learning as just a means to an end but a lifelong pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. Also, I love my volunteer job and it shows.
For some people this is seen as a flaw. I don't care to see it that way. I am open to the things people feel - bad or good- and I try to put myself in their position to try to understand where those feelings come from. Empathy is not as innate as some might think. I think the natural tendency is to be a little self centered. Maybe I have learned how to be more open as I have gotten older.
Really I am. Kids, the elderly, middle aged people who are depressed, animated characters on TV. I feel for them all. I have always felt for other people and I think that is a good thing. Some say it is a dog eat dog world and you have to take what you can no matter what.. I don't believe that and I doubt I ever will.
I generally know when people are saying what they mean or saying what they think I want to hear. It happens mostly in my stomach and works its way to my brain. I don't ignore this sixth sense—rather I use it to help me relate to people better.