Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Love of Two Souls

I have no idea what to write about. I just finished a 3-hour non-stop painting and now taking a break. I can’t actually describe what I feel right now. Maybe it is because I am lonely. Maybe I am finding excuses to be like this because I don’t want to be alone. Why I value love as a necessity rather than a luxury, I do not know. Is this a realistic expectation?

In all broken relationships, there is never one person to be blame. We all hurt people in our lives and once we accept responsibility for our past and regain humility, then we are able to fall in love again. I am a very loving person and I don’t want to specifically love a particular someone only. I want to love generally. I don’t want to date right now and have separated myself from intimate emotional and physical contact with a man so that I am aware of my hunger and passion and intimacy again.

In him, I have found increased possibilities. I am not looking for the best, for I find him to be ‘good enough’ for me. I want to commit myself to him and I want him to be exclusive when love starts to come. I want to commit myself to him because it brings the best of my qualities. I do not want meaningless sex. Casual sex numbs my heart and dulls my body. I just cannot make love to anyone that I don’t have feelings for because it leaves me in a state of confusion that can create more problems than it can solve. Love making involves and absorbs strong impulses.

I don’t have a ghost of my past partners. I am not going to compare him to my past lovers. I find him to be unique and I appreciate him for who he is with his own special qualities. I do not care for superficial activities – I love our deep conversations and find him to be very interesting. I am now on a love mission. I want to spread love …..

My heart has never felt like this in a long time. I feel him to be very different. It is not just a mushy feeling, but more of a secure feeling – a correct feeling. Many times my lips want to say the three little words, yet I don’t really know how he is going to respond. In most relationships, the men always seem to take their time with their feelings. Maybe men are just not as emotional as women. I keep telling myself to go with the flow. Don’t want to smother him or ‘cramp his style’.

Right now I do feel alive. I am ecstatic every time I think of him. I have butterflies all over again. The stomachache of passion and hope – I don’t know what life is going to throw at me but I am ready and willing to try everything with him. I cannot be wrong, because the feeling is strong. I know slowly, steadily, I am getting sucked into a whirlwind. He has made me so happy and has affected my very disposition, captured my heart like I never thought possible in a long time. I think this is turning into something so incredibly real.

I am legitimately falling deeper and deeper in love with him….

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I Am All HIS

Dedicated to the bluest eyes.......

He is my beloved. To my tender and yet strong feminine heart, he is. This is a powerful path. Sometimes, I think as if this is the only path to finding myself utterly exposed and surrendered. Tonight I surrender to my every joy, fear and shame. I cannot do it alone. I, by nature, yearn to reach the Higher Power through communion, through him, with him.

To be able to touch him fully makes me feel like I want to die. Die completely to my story, open to and embrace fully my shadow, both disturbingly dark as well as brightly golden. This is like one of the scariest thing I need to do in this life, and I know he can help me. Is he willing to do the same? Will he become my rock? Own and claim his highest masculine essence and expose his full self to me. I am a strong woman. This is the most priceless gift he can give me, give life. I am just as much under pressure as he is when we finally are there. Please love me, guide me, see me, open me, receive me and compassionately challenge me in all my brilliance and flaws to get that much close to him. The one and only. With him, we can become one.

I can see his strength and courage. I can see that he is guided and lovingly challenged to be his highest self. I admire a man who is willing to put himself through the lion’s den of learning and growing. I love it when he walks so upright and confident. I noticed that in him. He seems to inhabit his body much better than others. He is so handsome and has a strong back. A strong back is, to me, a sign of an open heart.

I love it when he takes care of his body by eating well and working out – whatever is appropriate for him. I love it when he knows and feel his body and that he lets me know that he will know and feel my body. I love it when he looks straight into my eyes, unafraid to look and be seen. I love the little things that he did. I love it when he allows me to get a little glimpse of the sweet crazy ways in which he might be seeing me. I also like it when he asked me what I like.

I love the clarity he brings. He is so aware of whatever there is, confusion, sadness, tension, aggression or simply joy – he is always a step ahead. I love it when he sees chaos and I am no longer worried or am ashamed of. I promise to do the same for him. I love it when he takes a little time to clean up, shave and dresses well. He doesn’t need expensive clothes, but when he takes time to be presentable, it makes me feel like he cares about how he wants to be seen and that I am mindful. I enjoy the way he looks, sexy and gorgeous. Remember, I like the way he smells too. Don’t be shy about looking and smelling hot. Own and adorn his beautiful body with handsome clothes and perfumes and lotions.

I love it when he looks into my eyes when he is with me. I love the sparkle in his naughty eyes. I love it when he can be gentlemanly but also not too prissy or monk-ish when it comes to letting me know what he desires, admires and adores – and what he cannot understand!

I really like when he is present even for the one moment when he is making love to me. When we make love, remember that it is the most vulnerable place I go to. To let him into my body, my heart, my soul, my spirit so intimately. He respects this sacredness and be present there with me. Don’t be afraid of my request. Trust the moment and trust me. I will let him know gently for I promise that I am not criticizing him.

He is strong, sometimes showing up as arrogance. Don’t let it get too much into his head, because he might look as if he is too self-consumed with all the good work that he is doing and sometimes I feel like he is inaccessible and unapproachable. I like to practice some humility.

I beg him, to not ever hide me, lie to me or lie about me. If he is afraid to be seen in public with me, if he is too embarrassed or shy to proudly walk holding my hands and introduce me to his friends, just leave me. Don’t come back. As a woman, I yearn to be seen, not hidden in his own private world. When he hides me from his world which I long to proudly be a part of, he is hurting my self-esteem in a pretty brutal way. It will take a long time before I can feel worthy again. Truly, trust me that I can take care of myself. If he is not just that into me, and if I am not good enough for him, or if there is someone else, just let me know. Don’t worry about hurting me. I usually get over it and get on much quicker and with much joy if there is honesty.

I love it that we are unique being. We each have our own ways of kissing. It is a big thing. I love kissing. I may at times look ready and willing and wild and playful. Yet that does not mean that I am not shy. Please don’t get frustrated with me if I need more time. Please do not take it personally. I am opening up slowly, maybe not as quickly as he might like. Please understand that I may be very self conscious of the extra fold around my waist, the sagging breasts, my crooked nose, the darkness of my skin that sometimes bring up all sorts of cultural anxieties. Be patient with my neuroses. Patiently and softly invite me to love my flesh and my nudity, my blush and my dignity. Unabashedly and unashamedly bring his strong and genuine masculinity to me and to all areas of my life, which also transcending and including his own sensitivity. When he does this, he leaves me crazy hot and bothered. I need not say no more.

Help me bring my femininity and foster structure, direction and focus in my life. It is hard work to always have to radiate divine light. I cannot always do that. Oh how gorgeous he is – gorgeous embodiment of passion and spirit. Thank you for letting me feel his wide open heart that was broken. Just let give my strength and hold him in my arms. I trust the vastness of my being will dance around him like a wild woman and cry like a little girl. I trust the depth of my soul that is willing to challenge lovingly all shallowness. I also trust the depth of his soul is willing to challenge lovingly my shallowness. I trust everything that is in him as I fall on my knees before him. When I see him looking into my eyes, I know that I am profoundly proud to be HIS.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Birds of Paradise III

Birds of Paradise II

Birds of Paradise I

Forgetful Me

I was talking to my best friend this morning about my lack of memory recently. She said that I am menopausing as that is one of the symptoms. I know that this lack of memory thing is not legendary in my family. Come on, I am not even 51 yet – how can that be? I’d like to point a finger at something, but age is definitely not the culprit in this case. Then, I would like to blame it on the fact that I had too many things on my mind. That would be a lie too because my daughter and my life is totally not hectic at all. So what is it?

Because of my forgetfulness yesterday, my best friend is going to give me a ‘sekeh’ on my head the next time she sees me. I babbled to my best friend about everything. I do. It gives me a bit of revengeful satisfaction to tell you a little bit about her. I do think a lot about her personally and how bossy and protective she is. She acknowledges what I say and listens to me. Generally she agrees and laughs to my needs, my weirdness and my complaints.

We always laugh together whenever we talk. She tells me that she enjoys me. I am quite entertaining, you see! We are so attached to each other because we are alike but we are also the opposites of each other. While it is possible for me to forget almost anything, she is capable of remembering just about everything. But yesterday was a disaster. Because of my lack of memory, I have caused my boyfriend a world of grief. I do feel bad about that. He was so sweet and understanding! I knew then that he must really love me. Thank God for true love.

This morning, I am humbled and embarrassed by my perpetual forgetfulness. But, you see, it’s human nature. I know, I am so getting old but I hope I don’t forget lots of important stuff after this. Maybe my brain is trying to digest the important stuff only. What I’m afraid is to forget the most basic things because I had to remember what my brains classified as significant.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Love You Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel

I have always been a person who knows who I am, and I am sure you feel the same way too about yourself. I always say, I should be myself, because everyone else is taken and that if I try to be someone else, it usually doesn’t get me very far.

We all must try to unlearn things about ourselves. In order to do so, we must recognize what we truly feel deep down inside of us and try to accept and be truthful about it. Sometimes during the process we find out that it can be disheartening when we find the truth about ourselves. Our inner compass will never lie. We are all capable of being true to what we believe in. Capable of being a good self because our true nature – we are all born pure, clean and good.

We all know at least one bitter, negative person. My theory is that most bitter people are not being true to themselves. My guess is that somewhere along the way, they took a wrong turn they’ve always regretted, and they take out their disappointment on others. The last thing you want is to be bitter, but the second-last thing you want is regret. No one wants regret - so I say, make active decisions, move forward, show people you care about them.

Showing yourself to me is being risky (this maybe how you are feeling). Don’t be afraid of what is to come because in the long run, only you know you are capable of being a good person. Only you can find the way to pursue the life you’ve always wanted. No one can make that decision for you. Just be yourself, whoever you are today and forever, I will be here to love you for what you are.