Thursday, August 26, 2010
I have always been a sucker for being a little romantic. Call me old fashion and lame. Finding real love seems to be the question and desire for mankind since the beginning of time. My favourite quote is “To love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence”. Humans have the ability to love, and to be loved. I have these traits, yet I am struggling to find true love.
Andrea and Maria went out to get more DVDs. They brought back “love stories”. Since like I said, I am a sucker for romance, I sat and watched two romantic movies in a day. I said to myself, “it can happen....” Movies sometimes trick my mind on what love should be. It's not that there aren't truly romantic and magical moments but what I see in the movies today, I truly want to experience love - again. You know, Hollywood has a way to make it seem so simple. It's not at all. It's just most of the time movies don't always focus on the pain you truly feel when you feel this way about a person. Or when they do focus on the pain, it still seems to always be easy. When there is love, there will always be pain too. Some people can't deal with the pain and run from it. Sometimes you have to fight for true love. Sometimes you have to be patient and let it come to you. You can't change a person's heart, all you can do is open their eyes. You've never loved someone, if you've never felt the pain.
In my experience, where I've had quite a taste of it, love isn't just a wonderful feeling. It's an extremely terrifying, thrilling, and remarkable feeling all in one. It's something I will never forget and never seem to shake. There's no time solution with real love. Once I feel it, it doesn't disappear. I can be with a person for many years, and it feels just as glorified. I am aware that when I enter down a road of finding real love, it's a very heavy emotion. If I don't treat it right, it can tear me apart. I will learn to handle the emotion properly, it will be the greatest thing that will ever happen to me. Anything that didn't feel possible, is possible now.....
My children have suggested that I move back to KL. They didn't want me staying alone in PD. How could I? For the last five years I have focused (in my daily life) to do whatever tasks slow, with ease, in mindfulness, resolve each job in a relaxed way. I give them all my attention. I cannot go back to the city and live there.
I hate to rush through tasks, trying to finish as much as I can each day, speeding through traffic to my next destination. I hate exhaustion and stress. I want time for what's important in my life, spending with loved ones, doing things that I am passionate about.
My life is simpler now. I cannot do everything. So now, I can choose to do what is important in my life by eliminating what are not so important. Whatever I am doing, whether taking a shower, or brushing my teeth, or cooking dinner, I am definitely slowing down. I am enjoying what I am doing and I pay every attention to it. I am doing one thing at a time, and doing it well.
My daughter thinks I drive slower cos I am older now. She says I give her headaches. Driving was something that I did that was often mindless and rushed. Instead, now I slow down and enjoy the journey. I am eliminating stress and what does she know about stress?
When I am having time to myself, she'd check on me. She wants to know if I am okay. How do I explain to her that I was creating time for solitude. How important it is to have some time to myself. Just do nothing but just sprinkle simple pleasures. I just wanted to practice being in the moment. Find inspiration and enjoying life now instead of saving it for later. I am not talking about sex here, if it is sex, I have to go for delayed gratification).