Thursday, April 28, 2011

Swastika Sign

I put up the swastika sign as my facebook profile this morning after watching a World War II movie but was asked to take down by two of my European girl friends. I argued to place my standing about not being a Nazi supporter. She asked me why I would want to put a negative energy close to my name. How could I put up that sign when I am helping with the blind, the orphans and the paediatric cancer society? I know about this being illegal in Germany (Austria) but I am Asian and many things are different in culture, customs, traditions, religion and beliefs from western and eastern.

Well, Hitler used the symbol for the Nazi party. Some of the western world knows little of the origins of the Swastika symbol, and automatically connect it to Hitler and his antisemitic views. But little do they know, before he took the symbol, the swastika is a symbol of good fortune in many religions such as hinduism, Buddhism, etc..Because of the wide usage of the symbol by the Nazis, it is seen as being antisemitic. Of course there is nothing wrong with the symbol, and I think I should continue to educate people of it. I don't blame anyone, maybe if Norbert is still alive he would also ask me to take it down.

I just want to say that we should all keep in mind that the symbol might mean something to you, but something totally different to others and we should all respect that. I took the swastika sign down from my Facebook because my friends have asked me to, not because I do not stand for what I believe.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Easter Makeover

Amazing software. You are a master, Al. I must admit, between the two versions of the photo, the one the left is the woman I'd rather get to know. She's attractive in both photos, but the lines on her face tell me something about her. I would gather she likes to laugh, has a sense of humour. I detect a lust (the good kind) and a zeal for life. The pic on the right shows her in a state that's perfected, but also "conformed." On the right, she would seem interesting, but not too much so; funny, but only so much so. But again, I'm only talking about impressions. Al, your work is great. Had I not pointed out it has been retouched, no one would have known.


I love the idea of untouched pictures, so much more realistic for the rest of us comparing ourselves to models in the magazines. I think I still look beautiful with the few lines and pigmentation marks like every other woman in her 50’s, although esthetically I am a super-looking woman so I have nothing to really hide.

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Husband Died

Have I told you my husband died?

I must have.

I told everyone.

I told them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows.

I say it to myself again and again to remind me that he is gone.

I avoid thinking about him.

I also say it so people don't think I’m a divorcee.

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

And I am now a widow.

I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.

He died.

He died and left me.

He's gone.

Never coming back.

We wanted to live together for another 20 years.

I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.

Where do I go from here?

How do I start over?

Star over??? Yes, I have to. I want to.

It's creeping up on the one year mark next month.

A year.

I've been with him since 44.

I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.

I wanted to talk to him.

I wanted him.

That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.

I cried.

A few days before he died, he called me from his handy.

He said he missed me.

I think I did well.

I think.

But he is engrained in my inner being.

In my soul.

He is a part of me.

He is a part of everything I see.

Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'

It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?

Friday, April 22, 2011

When You Are Ready

I want you to love me as I am. I want to be everything you ever wanted me to be and more. I want you to want nobody else but me and that I'm the only one for you.

I want you and I to go on dates, watch a movie and have great conversations. I want you to love my mind before my body. Explore my thoughts and get to know me. Don't shut me out.

Get to know everything about me, my sexual thoughts and know my needs. Bring me out of my shell innocently. Let's explore together. I want you to make me "ROAR" during lovemaking. You must know how to caress me with your strong hands, hold me close with every position change, not afraid to explore me physically,emotionally and spiritually.

Hearing you moan, turns me on the most. Hearing you moan my name while you taste me makes me want you even more. I want you to get rough with me, kiss me hard and passionately. I want you to be my everything, my best friend, my lover. I want our kiss to have meaning every time we kiss.

I want us to build an unbreakable bond. I want to tell you everything about me. I want to get to know you, your mind, your body, your spirit and your love. I want you to myself. I want friendship, romance and great sex!

So when you are ready to give it all, then come to me....

Be Honest

The question this week was why people cannot be honest with each other. I have been doing the online dating thing for almost six months now. I have found what most people have found : that sometimes you meet someone, and then they suddenly disappear without a word. Or they were chatting and having a good time with you, and suddenly the rhythm change to being less available and giving lots of excuses.

Why? Why can't they just simply tell you that they have lost their interest? Why leave you hanging? They quite simply ignore you and never tell you what happened to change their mind. I want to believe that men have disappeared from my life because they didn't want to face any drama. They thought I might just freak out if they told me they had lost interest. Or maybe they have something up their sleeve by wanting to put me 'on standby' just in case other relationships do not work, then they have me to fall back to.

I just see it as a loss of courtesy in today's world. People just stop talking all the time. Even friends. You'll be texting and they never reply to any of your messages without an explanation. We wouldn't do this if the person were in front of us. But technology has made it easy to communicate. Even easier to ignore people.

I also think that men are COWARDS and don't have any courage. That's it. Plain and simple. I always find courage to tell a man I'm not interested. Though many times I will tell them a white lie so I don't hurt their feelings. It has happened to me before, sure it hurts and it's cowardly, but what can you do? I just chalk it up to that it just wasn't meant to be.

Most of the men think they are saving your feelings by just disappearing and that you should "know". Cowardly, but effectively if you're willing to see the signs. Move on. They are likely not bleeding in that ditch you imagine them in - although you'll want them to be the next time you do see them. Men don't like emotional stuff and in their minds a woman will go into nuclear meltdown and they possibly think they will be stuck with an uncomfortable emotional situation that they can't deal with.

Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news or provoke what is likely to be a scene or argument (neither of which will make the situation easier), and most people avoid confrontation when they can, so fading away usually seems like a better solution.

It might seem like a better solution as far as avoiding drama goes, but the ones who employ it are not respecting the other person nor are they providing closure as to what happened and why? I know with men sometimes it is just a feeling that they can't explain, as far as why they lose interest. So what would there be to tell if they aren't sure about it themselves. But even so, it is still not fair to leave someone hanging. Saying something is better than saying nothing.

I don't think the men were being cruel intentionally, but actually trying to be kind with a touch of being afraid of hurting my feelings. I think that's why guys make those disappearing acts. Being honest is really hard! Why would someone tell you they aren't interested know it will hurt your feeling? Being truly honest usually carries a high consequences. Rather than deal with a difficult choice it is easier to take the back way out.

My bff said that the actual idea of blatantly telling someone they are not worth the time of a day by wasting their time is such effed up fashion is wrong. If it had happened to me, I would harbour a deep sense of resentment towards the offender.

If a man or a woman are reluctant to tell the other person they they aren't interested in them out of fear of hurting them and/or possible ruining a friend that has already been formed. One that is sincere is their intention would choose to tell them rather deliberate avoidance or ignoring the person. Preferably this occurs before things between the two become complicated and they can remain friends.

Someone who could choose to avoid or ignore me, just proved that he is not worthy for me at all. Disappearing may be the best favour he could ever do for me. I want to tell him how I feel about it so maybe he won't do it again to others. Plus it is good to get it out of my system how I feel. Heck I am learning something in the process. Not communicating just leaves me guessing. If you just want to be a friend, be honest. Don't waste my time and if you treat me badly, you won't have to worry about calling me.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Compassionate Heart

Would I be too embarrassed to let someone wipe my behind when I am too old to do it? When I took care of Norbert, I would do anything for him for I loved him. So, would there be anyone out there, who would truly love me enough to take care of me when I am old and incapable to take care of myself anymore?

I remember how Norbert had stayed positive – all the way. He surrendered to his disease and allowed me to take care of him and do most of the personal and basic things with the exception of breathing and swallowing his food.

When I think again, he had always been a very independent person, how did he fight all this? He told me, as first he was ashamed of many things that he could no longer do, like run, sit of floor and pray. He forgot what culture wanted out of him. He had ignored culture much of his life, anyway and decided not to be ashamed and what was the big deal anyway?

He began to enjoy his dependency. He enjoyed being manicured and pedicured. He loves when I rubbed lotion all over his body and massaged his legs. He reveled in it. He usually closed his eyes and soaked it up. And it felt very familiar to him he says, like going back to being a child again. Someone to bathe you and kiss you and be with you all the time. I tend to agree with him. We all have that ‘child’ thing in all of us and should now remember how to enjoy it.

I love to be a ‘mother’ to him. I used to hold him, rock him, stroke his head to sleep. We all yearn in some ways to return to those days when we were completely taken care of – unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Broken Heart - AC6

Bring peace to my mind
Love to my heart
And joy to my soul
- And keep it there!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Desperate Heart - AC5

I just want this feeling in me to go away!!! I want to feel like my life has meaning and somebody out there cares and could someday love me. ME!!! for who I AM!! Not because I changed into something they could love.

Someone out there, please look pass this smile and see how hurt and hold me till it goes away......

Monday, April 18, 2011

Aching Heart - AC4

The moment of joy spent under the willow
The tear of the eyes that wets my pillow
Sometimes pain and sometimes pleasure
When given by friends, both are a treasure...

Empty Heart - AC4(1)

All I know is that I fell in love with him and for that, I will have to pay with months of sleepless nights, loss of focus, losing weight, crying and fantasizing about him.

Passionate Heart - AC3

He was happy because he was getting what he needed from the relationship, I was unhappy because it meant me being deprived of what I needed, and me not being myself. The same thing happened when he gave me what I needed. If our needs weren't so diametrically opposed and immensely important, it wouldn't have been a big threat to our relationship and our individual happiness.

If I give a little to compromise, I loose a lot of happiness and sanity. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. I now have the freedom to find someone that I don't have to change in order to get my most important emotional needs met. I think in a relationship, these are the most important needs to be met. I don't think our relationship should be this hard this soon.

It was bad timing. It was the long distance. It was difficult. I wish we only fell in love with the people we are compatible with.

Lonely Heart - AC2

I have spent a lot of time thinking about us. Although I really care about you, I think we should move on.

I know it is hard for me, but I really hope you will find the love you deserve.

Longing Heart - AC1

You will find someone amazing and I truly wish you all the happiness in the world.

Move On

Sometimes, you handle certain things easily when others find it very difficult. When it comes to matters of the heart, I always find it very hard to handle. I guess, if things are just not working in whatever you are doing, or if makes your heart aches, I think it is time to move on.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Summer Garden

Conscious Thoughts, Speech and Action

Every morning we say to ourselves, "I'm not going to sin today", and we mean it. Most often we are praying for forgiveness. Do we ever make it through the day without sinning? We tell ourselves we are going to be conscious of our actions, yet the next morning we start over again the same way.

As for me, I don't know which usually lets me down first, a sinful thought or a sharp tongue that often seems to work independent from the mind. I feel ashamed because I let my myself down again, but God forgives me and loves me anyway.

We all make resolutions close to new year and fail to keep it within a few days. Some of us plan to diet, made an attempt and lose weight only to put it right back on again. We are ashamed of what we do, yet we continue doing it, why? Are we hypocrites, or do we have demons that we are unable to exorcize?

Have you ever promise to be somewhere and not make it? Something comes up and you have to make a choice. Sometime you let people down by those choices. People that depend on you. Sure you are sorry but that does little to comfort others. Trust is weakened or sometimes completely gone. It feels bad to let someone down, especially those you love most.

Did you ever forget a birthday? Did you ever forget to do an errand? You may have put it off untill it was too late. You could have done it but chose to wait for one reason or another. Have you ever given your word and then backed out, sometimes at the last minute?

All these make us feel bad. We let ourselves and others down. From today onwards, let's try to do everything from every tiny thoughts, speech and action, consciously.

Summer In The City

"I'd Rather See A Serman Than Hear One"

My brother once said to me, “Hang ni bila nak berubah?”

I questioned myself if I am supposed to be religious or am I supposed to be spiritual? Do people actually know what it means? I questioned the role of God in my life. They would question me what the main cause of my behaviour and my response would be that it is the hypocrisy of people who claim to be followers of God. Many Muslims are religious, no doubt, praying and fasting religiously but do they actually achieved or experienced spirituality?

Religion is not something I have strong connection with, because I always feel that religion is a man’s attempt to reach God. Religion focus on what pleases man. Most of what I see religious people do in today’s world is the end produce of what they think is appropriate to be religiously correct. There is so much emphasis on what is the correct way to dress, following the accepted behavioural pattern of the religious group they are identified with.

Being spiritual is opening oneself to God’s influence on his/her whole being. Spirituality involves one’s total self in his/her relationship with God. Being spiritual involves using your mind as well as your body to accomplish God’s will. I’d rather pray spiritually by going into my closet and get to talk to God than praying openly hoping that my prayer is accepted by God.

It’s 21st century. I am more concerned about doing good rather than observing ritual. I am more concerned with letting the light shine on me, so that God is glorified by how I live.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Summer Breeze


Who has been gone - 9 months now

Your love is.... the fresh ocean breeze,

Gently sweeping across my face,

Touching me from place to place,

Your love is...

The salty air I smell,

Clearing my thoughts and thinking,

Your love is...

The life preserver that keeps me from sinking,

When I go there to the sea,

I am not alone, for your love is with me,

I feel you all around,

The beauty, the wind, the mystery,

Your love engulfs me,

Takes my breath away,

Holds me in wind's arms,

When I close my eyes,

Dancing memories of your charms,

Never escape my deepest memory,

So if ever our souls part to say goodbye,

Meet me there, where the sea meets the sky,

Your love will forever be with me,

Where the sands touch the sea,

Our love lives on,

Our love flows back out into all eternity....

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Starry Nite Summer

My life on earth, as it is being created right now, is the result of this. If I don't like any part of what I have created, invidivually or collectively, I may create it anew. In the next grandest version of the greatest vision ever I held about WHO I AM.

Playtime In Summer

Everything in life moves in a swirl. Life itself is a cycle, who no start and no finish. Everything exists "as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end". The Presence of Cycle gives you the gift of eternity.

Summer Party Dresses

The great Principles of Life - is to elevate not the Self, but the Other, to expand not the Self, but the Other, to enrich not the Self, but the Other - for it is by so doing that the Self is elevated, expanded, enriched, and experienced most fully.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


We call it by so many names. And the recent ones I heard is vajayjay. Yes, we talk about the world down under, and I don’t mean Australia. Jay-jay is like pee-pee and poo-poo describing something private in a child like manner. I think vajayjay is a nice word, don’t you?

I have a few names for my vagina. Even my non-Malay speaking husband learns quite fast from me. I use them when appropriate (during sex is a different name, during anger is a different name). So now, I think vajayjay will join them. I am hereby selling the rights to call my vagina whatever I want.

Name your price. So, do you vajayjay? :P

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Anywhere you go, people are always talking about money. Approaching you to invest and open a business or something of that sort. It is always about money, money, money. Why do people spend their life chasing money and believing that if only they have enough, their life would be great and they would be able to do the things they really wanted to do.

Over the weekend, I’ve spent with a friend and learned so much about what money can do. She is rich but money could not buy her happiness. You know, we have been told at an early age that we need to get a house, a nice car and all those things that society pushes upon us. No one ever teaches us to take steps towards minimizing our expenses and simplifying our life.

I think I can live on the street if I want to. Why not? Many people are so afraid of being broke and not having enough financially. Is it really that bad? What is it that really scares you about that? Is it how others will perceive you? I’ve found that the more I simplify my life, the happier I become. I don’t need stuff. I could buy a lot of things if I wanted, but I choose not to. I enjoy cutting down my expenses. When I spend less, I decrease the anxiety in my life and I allow myself to focus less on money.

Faith Tree

Friday, April 8, 2011


This cannot be the love of my life. But YOU can be!!!

Summer Nap

Queen of Hearts

Dear Sayang Manzaini

I don't remember if I have given this painting a title, but now I want to call it "Queen of Hearts" - especially dedicated to you.

A woman who is full of everything (from her heart). You are the someone whom I could trust and feel comfortable talking to. You listened to everything, understood my happiness and my pain, cry and laugh with me. You are the right one for ME.

Emotions Revealed

This painting was given to Korea. I have forgotten the actual title of the painting which was written behind the canvas. Painted in January 2011.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Summer Sailing

When you are in love, it is as if you have your most trusted friend by your side and you feel attracted to him.....

Summer Farm

I am more myself when I am with you than with anybody else - so I know I am in love....

Monday, April 4, 2011

Expectations = Disappointments

Many times I have written about not having expectations, so that we will not have disappointments. Every time I write something like this, I am always in a different frame of mind and mood.

I learned many things over the last 10 months of being alone.

Firstly, there is no possible way that I can have ‘no expectations’. This is purely figurative speech, but can never apply to reality. No matter how hard I try and what I do, I always expect things from those closest to me, and of course from myself (but I am not going to draw myself in expectations).

Having expectations is healthy, I guess. I expect that when I work hard that I may be rewarded. I expect to fall in love in order to have a fulfilling life. Are these extraordinary expectations? It just seems quite reasonable to me right now as I see expectations like goals but the difference is that we work towards a goal, but with expectations we expect it will happen.

I expected things to fall in place by end of October 2011 and I am working through it. However I am not expecting too much without having too much disappointment if things generally don’t work out the way I want it to be. Healthy expectations will help me through my daily life – like having faith (enough to know that something will happen without having to focus on things that hard).

Life is a giant puzzle and am not expecting to solve it…EVER!! I am just putting as many pieces I can together and hopefully the higher power, friends and family are there to help me with the rest.

Summer Decor

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Enrich Tree

Colours Of My Heart

Reason, Season or Lifetime????
by Sayang Manzaini March 28, 2011 at 8.28 am

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be...

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow and learn. They bring you experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

A lifetime relationship teaches you life time lesson, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationship and ares of your life.

Not everyone who comes into your life is supposed to stay there. Sometimes you're just a way station. Love them while they are there, love them when they move on, and trust that we all find our true home eventually.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

Fortune Tree 3

How My Art Will Renew My Life - After Norbert's Death

by Amirah Husain-Doblinger on Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 6:31pm

It’s already six weeks now. I can still feel the apartment filled with joy, love and laughter. Everyone who knew Norbert knew what a “larger than life” personality he had. We got married after knowing each other for a short while and spent the most glorious life what?

After several weeks of mourning and feeling a bit lost I wondered how do I get my life back on track. I had not worked for a long time, -- now what can I do to fill the void in my life? I had been in the hospital with him since February. I have not felt the need for a creative outlet yet. Didn’t hold a brush or doodle in a long time but I still love colours. People always tease me about being obsessed with the colour red. But somehow red feels warm, bright and it attracts attention. Red makes me happy. I never had a formal training in art and what do I know?

I am all out to start fresh. I don’t know if people really like what I have painted but I do know my husband has always been proud of my paintings. He said my paintings expressed the real me. A colourful woman, daring, fascinating, individualist, full of love and warmth. I feel like a kid again. Everything seemed so new and shiny. New brushes, tubes of paint in rainbow of colours and a couple of canvases. I am going to start painting with a sense of creative freedom and excitement. One of the rooms in the new apartment will be converted to a studio. Andrea says that is a very good idea.

My heart is pounding and I cannot help by smile to this new adventure. It's a whole new world I'm going to explore. The first few pieces will be hung in the entry hall of my new apartment so everyone can see them. The canvases will get bigger, the colours bolder and my soul will feel fuller.

To those who have bought my paintings, thank you. And darling, thank you too for believing in me!!

Fortune Tree 2

Fortune Tree

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Enchanted Forest I

Passion Of The Heart

To Love What Is

I woke up today feeling melancholy. And when I read your note about those people who come into our lives for a reason, it made me cry. It was as if you answered all my questions that I already knew, yet wanted validation and affirmation.

I remember one day, in the hospital with Norbert, I held him in my arms and lay beside him in bed. When the nurse saw us together, she grew shy and pulled the curtain around us. Do they think we need privacy? Then she said, “In all my years working in hospitals, you are the first couple I’ve ever seen in bed together”.

She was curious about us. She asked how long we’ve been together. I gave her a long answer. Fifty years since we fell in love, forty four years of separation and five years since we got back together. She grew mushy…..

After awhile, she got used to seeing us in bed and stop pulling the curtains. And every day, you keep reminding me of all the good times I had in my life and am ever so grateful that I have lived it the way it was supposed to be lived.