I have no idea what to write about. I just finished a 3-hour non-stop painting and now taking a break. I can’t actually describe what I feel right now. Maybe it is because I am lonely. Maybe I am finding excuses to be like this because I don’t want to be alone. Why I value love as a necessity rather than a luxury, I do not know. Is this a realistic expectation?
In all broken relationships, there is never one person to be blame. We all hurt people in our lives and once we accept responsibility for our past and regain humility, then we are able to fall in love again. I am a very loving person and I don’t want to specifically love a particular someone only. I want to love generally. I don’t want to date right now and have separated myself from intimate emotional and physical contact with a man so that I am aware of my hunger and passion and intimacy again.
In him, I have found increased possibilities. I am not looking for the best, for I find him to be ‘good enough’ for me. I want to commit myself to him and I want him to be exclusive when love starts to come. I want to commit myself to him because it brings the best of my qualities. I do not want meaningless sex. Casual sex numbs my heart and dulls my body. I just cannot make love to anyone that I don’t have feelings for because it leaves me in a state of confusion that can create more problems than it can solve. Love making involves and absorbs strong impulses.
I don’t have a ghost of my past partners. I am not going to compare him to my past lovers. I find him to be unique and I appreciate him for who he is with his own special qualities. I do not care for superficial activities – I love our deep conversations and find him to be very interesting. I am now on a love mission. I want to spread love …..
My heart has never felt like this in a long time. I feel him to be very different. It is not just a mushy feeling, but more of a secure feeling – a correct feeling. Many times my lips want to say the three little words, yet I don’t really know how he is going to respond. In most relationships, the men always seem to take their time with their feelings. Maybe men are just not as emotional as women. I keep telling myself to go with the flow. Don’t want to smother him or ‘cramp his style’.
Right now I do feel alive. I am ecstatic every time I think of him. I have butterflies all over again. The stomachache of passion and hope – I don’t know what life is going to throw at me but I am ready and willing to try everything with him. I cannot be wrong, because the feeling is strong. I know slowly, steadily, I am getting sucked into a whirlwind. He has made me so happy and has affected my very disposition, captured my heart like I never thought possible in a long time. I think this is turning into something so incredibly real.
I am legitimately falling deeper and deeper in love with him….