Saturday, September 25, 2010

It Feels Different This Time....

In the beginning, it isn't so much a matter of moving on, I don't even know how to get through the day. Everything in the house reminds me of him. I can't read or watch tv, I can't sleep because he kept creeping into my mind. I find every excuse to get away from Port Dickson as much as possible.

I recall dreaming of him twice. Once after exactly two weeks after his death, and the second one three weeks after his death. Then none at all. The lights in the house started flickering, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the bedroom. Maybe he is trying to communicate with me - Anwar says that I want to think that that is his dad's spirit but it is not.

I think it is "slowly fading" away. I couldn't imagine moving on then, but I feel different now - coming back home after the Hariraya. With each day that passes I move farther and farther away from that initial shock and grief. I see myself showing signs of looking forward to new futures, and it seems clear that I am entering a new phase. What I also found out is that the grief remained painfully close as I imagined it would be.

Four months has passed. I expect to feel a lot better than I may actually feel. I discovered that there is that numbness that occurs when loss is so terrible our minds can't bear it. The numbness wears off, the thoughts that need processing emerge. The grief flares up, the numbness returns, almost as if for the first time. I gave myself permission to not think about the grief or him as much as possible. I told myself he would understand if I had to wait for a while before thinking about him. I reminded myself that I had the rest of my life to think about him, and that my main objective at the time was to get through each day.

I did my normal activities again and it helps. Now I can have those positive moments again like as simple as laughing at a televison show or enjoying a walk on beautiful day. I started new projects and buy something that gives me pleasure. I get out and have some good conversations and coffee with friends. I am lucky, the holiday time brought some big joys back into my life. Having people around helps. We listened to cheerful music, enjoying a morning or evening walk together, going out to have a coffee, spending time with children, helps keep my mind on more pleasant things. I may not be able to control what big joys come or when, but I sure can control whether or not I find some small ones.

I am taking care of my emotions slowly but surely. Moving on is taking me by the hand and leading me away from the grief.

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