The Muse

It is a late hour of the night, and we have said very little indeed of what we wish to say. Perhaps it is better to speak in silence until morning. And in the morning, my love one will stand by my side in front of our many works. And after that, when the day and its problems are over, we shall return to sit by the fire and talk.

And now bring your forehead nearer, like this - and may God bless you and may God protect you.

Unfolding

Tomorrow we shall resume our discussion, but not let us go up onto the roof and stand awhile gazing at the stars of the night. Tell me, my loved one, is the night more profound and wonderful than the heart of man? Are the galaxies more awe-inspiring and beautiful than what moves within the heart of man? Is there, in the night and stars, anything more sacred than the white flame flickering in God's hand?

Swastika Sign

I put up the swastika sign as my facebook profile this morning after watching a World War II movie but was asked to take down by two of my European girl friends. I argued to place my standing about not being a Nazi supporter. She asked me why I would want to put a negative energy close to my name. How could I put up that sign when I am helping with the blind, the orphans and the paediatric cancer society? I know about this being illegal in Germany (Austria) but I am Asian and many things are different in culture, customs, traditions, religion and beliefs from western and eastern.

Well, Hitler used the symbol for the Nazi party. Some of the western world knows little of the origins of the Swastika symbol, and automatically connect it to Hitler and his antisemitic views. But little do they know, before he took the symbol, the swastika is a symbol of good fortune in many religions such as hinduism, Buddhism, etc..Because of the wide usage of the symbol by the Nazis, it is seen as being antisemitic. Of course there is nothing wrong with the symbol, and I think I should continue to educate people of it. I don't blame anyone, maybe if Norbert is still alive he would also ask me to take it down.

I just want to say that we should all keep in mind that the symbol might mean something to you, but something totally different to others and we should all respect that. I took the swastika sign down from my Facebook because my friends have asked me to, not because I do not stand for what I believe.

Easter Makeover

Amazing software. You are a master, Al. I must admit, between the two versions of the photo, the one the left is the woman I'd rather get to know. She's attractive in both photos, but the lines on her face tell me something about her. I would gather she likes to laugh, has a sense of humour. I detect a lust (the good kind) and a zeal for life. The pic on the right shows her in a state that's perfected, but also "conformed." On the right, she would seem interesting, but not too much so; funny, but only so much so. But again, I'm only talking about impressions. Al, your work is great. Had I not pointed out it has been retouched, no one would have known.

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I love the idea of untouched pictures, so much more realistic for the rest of us comparing ourselves to models in the magazines. I think I still look beautiful with the few lines and pigmentation marks like every other woman in her 50’s, although esthetically I am a super-looking woman so I have nothing to really hide.

My Husband Died

Have I told you my husband died?

I must have.

I told everyone.

I told them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows.

I say it to myself again and again to remind me that he is gone.

I avoid thinking about him.

I also say it so people don't think I’m a divorcee.

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

And I am now a widow.

I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.

He died.

He died and left me.

He's gone.

Never coming back.

We wanted to live together for another 20 years.

I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.

Where do I go from here?

How do I start over?

Star over??? Yes, I have to. I want to.

It's creeping up on the one year mark next month.

A year.

I've been with him since 44.

I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.

I wanted to talk to him.

I wanted him.

That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.

I cried.

A few days before he died, he called me from his handy.

He said he missed me.

I think I did well.

I think.

But he is engrained in my inner being.

In my soul.

He is a part of me.

He is a part of everything I see.

Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'

It's like his blood flows through me.

It's like he breathes into my lungs.

No one would breathe into his lungs.

I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.

I keep saying 'my husband.'

I don't have a husband.

Should I say, 'My late husband'?

Have I told you my husband died?

When You Are Ready

I want you to love me as I am. I want to be everything you ever wanted me to be and more. I want you to want nobody else but me and that I'm the only one for you.

I want you and I to go on dates, watch a movie and have great conversations. I want you to love my mind before my body. Explore my thoughts and get to know me. Don't shut me out.

Get to know everything about me, my sexual thoughts and know my needs. Bring me out of my shell innocently. Let's explore together. I want you to make me "ROAR" during lovemaking. You must know how to caress me with your strong hands, hold me close with every position change, not afraid to explore me physically,emotionally and spiritually.

Hearing you moan, turns me on the most. Hearing you moan my name while you taste me makes me want you even more. I want you to get rough with me, kiss me hard and passionately. I want you to be my everything, my best friend, my lover. I want our kiss to have meaning every time we kiss.

I want us to build an unbreakable bond. I want to tell you everything about me. I want to get to know you, your mind, your body, your spirit and your love. I want you to myself. I want friendship, romance and great sex!

So when you are ready to give it all, then come to me....

Be Honest

The question this week was why people cannot be honest with each other. I have been doing the online dating thing for almost six months now. I have found what most people have found : that sometimes you meet someone, and then they suddenly disappear without a word. Or they were chatting and having a good time with you, and suddenly the rhythm change to being less available and giving lots of excuses.

Why? Why can't they just simply tell you that they have lost their interest? Why leave you hanging? They quite simply ignore you and never tell you what happened to change their mind. I want to believe that men have disappeared from my life because they didn't want to face any drama. They thought I might just freak out if they told me they had lost interest. Or maybe they have something up their sleeve by wanting to put me 'on standby' just in case other relationships do not work, then they have me to fall back to.

I just see it as a loss of courtesy in today's world. People just stop talking all the time. Even friends. You'll be texting and they never reply to any of your messages without an explanation. We wouldn't do this if the person were in front of us. But technology has made it easy to communicate. Even easier to ignore people.

I also think that men are COWARDS and don't have any courage. That's it. Plain and simple. I always find courage to tell a man I'm not interested. Though many times I will tell them a white lie so I don't hurt their feelings. It has happened to me before, sure it hurts and it's cowardly, but what can you do? I just chalk it up to that it just wasn't meant to be.

Most of the men think they are saving your feelings by just disappearing and that you should "know". Cowardly, but effectively if you're willing to see the signs. Move on. They are likely not bleeding in that ditch you imagine them in - although you'll want them to be the next time you do see them. Men don't like emotional stuff and in their minds a woman will go into nuclear meltdown and they possibly think they will be stuck with an uncomfortable emotional situation that they can't deal with.

Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news or provoke what is likely to be a scene or argument (neither of which will make the situation easier), and most people avoid confrontation when they can, so fading away usually seems like a better solution.

It might seem like a better solution as far as avoiding drama goes, but the ones who employ it are not respecting the other person nor are they providing closure as to what happened and why? I know with men sometimes it is just a feeling that they can't explain, as far as why they lose interest. So what would there be to tell if they aren't sure about it themselves. But even so, it is still not fair to leave someone hanging. Saying something is better than saying nothing.

I don't think the men were being cruel intentionally, but actually trying to be kind with a touch of being afraid of hurting my feelings. I think that's why guys make those disappearing acts. Being honest is really hard! Why would someone tell you they aren't interested know it will hurt your feeling? Being truly honest usually carries a high consequences. Rather than deal with a difficult choice it is easier to take the back way out.

My bff said that the actual idea of blatantly telling someone they are not worth the time of a day by wasting their time is such effed up fashion is wrong. If it had happened to me, I would harbour a deep sense of resentment towards the offender.

If a man or a woman are reluctant to tell the other person they they aren't interested in them out of fear of hurting them and/or possible ruining a friend that has already been formed. One that is sincere is their intention would choose to tell them rather deliberate avoidance or ignoring the person. Preferably this occurs before things between the two become complicated and they can remain friends.

Someone who could choose to avoid or ignore me, just proved that he is not worthy for me at all. Disappearing may be the best favour he could ever do for me. I want to tell him how I feel about it so maybe he won't do it again to others. Plus it is good to get it out of my system how I feel. Heck I am learning something in the process. Not communicating just leaves me guessing. If you just want to be a friend, be honest. Don't waste my time and if you treat me badly, you won't have to worry about calling me.