After 33 Years - We Are 50

Everything associated with the word gold or the number 50 seems to add to its importance. A 50th golden wedding anniversary or the 50th birthday of people, places and things always seems special. Why that is true, I don’t know. However, if it makes people feel good, why not celebrate. Personally, it sounds as if people think their marriage wouldn’t last 50 years or they didn’t expect to live to the age 50. Or could it be the colour gold and the number 50 makes us feel like celebrating.

Nevertheless, I must admit that I think the idea of meeting up with my school friends after 33 years for a reunion to celebrate our 50 years of being the 'golden girls' sound too exciting to let go. To me, a reunion is the celebration of thousands of memories and hundreds of friendships that have withstood the test of time, a renewal of bonds that will be taken to the grave.

During the weekend of 11th December 2010, the St Nicholas Convent, Alor Star class of 1977 - 35 of the golden ladies shared their past and their present of their 33 years of memories together. Even though most of us could not recall the other ladies from the different classes, their faces and their names, most of us knew each other because of the close-knit community in which we grew up. The true and real Muhibbah!!

Ladies from all three main three races (Indian, Chinese and Malay, not forgetting the others) came back to Kedah from across the country and as far as Perth, Australia and Brunei, to renew friendships and trip down memory lane as only those who were there with them could appreciate. I heard the ladies talking about their community, their children and husbands, their churches, old sweethearts, where they have been and what they have done.

Most of all, we talked about the teachers and their dedication to shaping young minds for the struggles and hurdles we would have to overcome not because of the colour of our skin. The first person I saw when I arrived at the hotel was Aik Poe. Immediately, I started to reflect on the good old days when we were all young and carefree — very few responsibilities.

From that point on, it was a trip down memory lane that was fueled by teasing and recollections. I saw ladies that I haven’t seen since leaving for college in 1977. It’s funny that 33 years sound so long ago, yet we all still feel the same deep inside except that we are all grown ups and have become older and wiser. I have lost touch with some of my friends and glad to have found them again - thanks to Facebook. That reunion night, I learned more about my friends life and their involvement. I saw the old photos and try to recognize all of them.

I was honoured to be the game organizer at the reunion. So, what does one talk about on occasion such as a 50th birthday reunion? Oh...you wouldn't want to know - cos we would have talked all night. Even though it was a celebration for the living, we found ourselves slipping into a state of melancholy when we found out about some of our close friends who have passed on through the years. We paid special tribute to the memory of our classmates. This is one of those times when you close your eyes and remember just how precious life is and how short our lives can be here on Earth.

The music was great, the food was delicious, and the renewal of friendships made this a wonderful reunion for everyone. Don't forget the next reunion will be in 2012 in Port Dickson.

See yall.....

Learning What Love Is All About

To Adel, Aizad, Andrea and Maria (the precious people of my heart)

I will still love you even if you are not perfect. I will still love you if you are not the kind of person you wished to be. I will look into your eyes with warmth even if I only see your shadows. I will hold your hand even when I know that there will be times where you will let me down.

I yearn to take care of you as I should and I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades. How can I help you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of my spirit knowing that you have your darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in you?

Sometimes you’d be silent, with many things on your mind and I may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding you. Sometimes you’d get troubled and you’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles you. You wouldn’t be good company then, but you still make me smile.

Sometimes you get moody and you might not enjoy the things I’d like us to do together. Sometimes you’d lose my temper and you’d no longer act like the fine person you usually are. Sometimes you’d get jealous and you might say things you don’t really mean, saying too much that you might drive others away.

Sometimes you’d get touchy and you’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature you try to be, there are times you’d act in childish ways. You’d demand things you shouldn’t, you’d say thing you shouldn’t say. And no matter how much you desire to protect the people you love and make them happy, and not knowing and realizing that you are the one who cause the people you care about the most pain.

Just love each other, for love will not hurt you. I cannot promise that love will not make you cry and sometimes break your heart. But if you will love each other, and bare your whole self naked before the person you love, and reveal to them your soul, things will fall into place automatically. If you will love each other, you can be certain that you have the person you love not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love each other, you can be certain that you will love the depths of the person, all of that is in them, and in turn they will love you with all of what they have, with all of their soul, with all of their mind, with all their spirit, with all of their flaws and beauty, and with all of their very heart.

Don't forget, Mommy loves you!!!

Get A Dog

I am still waiting for the right man. I tell myself that I know it always happen when you least expected, so I am not expecting. Just waiting.

I am also no longer the sociable type. Not the extrovert at least now. No more clubbing and bars and all the usual places people are meant to go courting. I now enjoy staying at home and I hope for a man who is much the same. Although how am I ever going to meet a stay at home type is anybody's guess.

It is difficult cos I am so much after romance. Want someone to hold. Someone I could rely on to always be there for me, to listen when I need someone to talk to.

Perhaps I ought to get a dog.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Who's the biggest fool of all?

It must be the girl who can't stop crying,

Or maybe it's the girl who kept on trying.

I Love Being Me!

What a wonderfully unique person I am! I love how it feels to be me. I enjoy my life and cherish all the little nuances that occur every day. I am where I am in life because of the choices I made and the work I put into being precisely who I am. I am exactly the person I want to be.

I will continue to grow and learn new things. I will continue to experience new things in life and transform for the better; this is part of being me. I have surrounded myself with wonderful people and I enjoy who I am when I am with them. I enjoy who I am when I am alone as well.

I take pleasure in soul-searching and I appreciate how I permit myself to enjoy solitude.

I am fun and caring. I am talented and trustworthy. I am glad to be just who I am.

Today I will have a special date with myself and plan a time where I can simply enjoy being me. I will do things I like to do and focus on the pure enjoyment of my time with me.

WHEN I AM TERRIBLE - I KNOW IT AND TRY TO RESOLVE IT

I also know that I can be a bitch. It is not often that I can't control myself.. but it does happen (maybe once in 5 years?). When I am like this it reminds me that I am human and that I am aware of myself enough to know when I am being mean and awful. If I know when I am doing it then odds are it wont last long or I will just go hide in the room until it is over.

I AM NOT WISHY WASHY

I just am not. As a matter of fact, I really hate that attribute in people. Isn't that terrible of me? Well tough because it is true! I wish people could just be more dedicated to their decisions. Even if they are wrong at least you were 100% wrong!

I AM GENEROUS

I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. When I can give a little or a lot .. I do. I believe in the power of kindness and compassion as tools to change the world on a very basic level. I have more than many people could ask for. A warm home with people who love me, a car to get me from place to place, a nice financial stability to support my goals. An entertainment unit that makes my night a few times a week, and friends who would help me in anyway they could. So I have to ask myself what the Universe said of these gifts… and I remember that it was he who said that from those who have been given a lot a great deal will be expected – I don't mind if people don't agree with me because I am the only one who has to sleep with my conscience at night.

I AM FUN

I laugh .. sometimes loud and on the floor out of control style, I am willing to make a fool of myself sometimes, and I am sort of fly by the seat of my pants most of the time. My friends often refer to me as upbeat and bubbly. I like those terms.. upbeat and bubbly. So yeah.. I am fun and sometimes even funny.

I KNOW WHEN I AM WRONG

My personality is sort of odd. People tend to love or hate me. I know this.. and I know when I have issues that I need to work on in my life to make things easier for me. So when I am wrong.. I don't need to have to be told a million times.. I am used to being told that I am wrong and can handle it. If I need to change my point of view.. I will. If I don't.. then I will try to see why people see my view as off.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN

I do not make promises easily. And when I do, I try to fulfill my promise as quickly as possible. I don't give excuses and appreciate being on time.

WHEN I DECIDE TO DO THINGS - I DO THEM

When I was 17— I vowed to never to do things half way or half heartedly. And really.. I have stuck to my guns. If I set my mind to it.. I will do it.

I FORGIVE

I cannot hold a grudge to save my life. I don’t know why.. maybe my parents just did something right with me and it stuck. But I cannot hate people.. or even hold things against them. If someone says they are sorry I believe them and forgive whatever they did. And trust me.. people have done some pretty horrific things to me in my past. But even then I really do choose not to allow myself to be bogged down by all of that. It is really nothing to do with not allowing others to have power over me.. I just don’t care to be drowning in the past.

I HAVE LEARNED A THING OR TWO

Not all of the lessons have stuck.. but some have. I have learned not to think the world is out to get me or when something goes wrong that it is automatically someone else out to get me. I have learned from my uncle (who died a year ago) that love is not earned but given away without the expectation of a return on the investment. I learned from my parents that being nice is easier than being a shit head. I have learned from my son how to take care of someone other than myself and to want to do it the best way I know how. I have learned from my ex husband how to be a calm person and get the facts before I fly off the handle. I have learned from Norbert to be happy because life is a gift. I have learned from my mother to be humble because someone out there are on my heels and catching up with me and maybe one day I will be calling them for help. I have learned from death that it is normal to be depressed when someone you love does not come home anymore and all you wanted to do is to be given a chance to hold that someone you love just one more time. I have learned from my sisters to just stop bitching all the damn time (that one was mostly by observation). I have learned from my brother not to boast too loudly because the fall from that pedestal is a hard one. I have learned from all of the people who have mistreated me or others that I don't have to take that road and not to treat them the same way in kind.. even if some people say they deserve it. I have learned from my love of books that there are a million points of view.. and they are all right and all wrong. So there.. I have learned a thing or two - from books, music, movie and food. Thank God I am still open to learning more.

I VALUE MY FAMILY & FRIENDS

I love my children and my friends because they are proud of me even when I screw up. I still know how to be a good person, love others, and do the right thing. And that is basically what this one is about. I know how important these people are in my life and I don't want to lose them. No matter how powerful you think you are.... it is always nice to have someone to let you hide behind their skirt every once in a while.

I AM NOT ALL THAT HARD IN THE EYES

I suppose I can thank genetics for that, and I know it sounds so arrogant to say.. but I honestly don’t feel that I am an ugly person.

I AM ABLE TO LEARN

This I am REALLY good at. Seriously. I am so interested in learning that I will spend ample amounts of time researching things that interest me. I am really not a passive learner at all.. and that was something I had to learn how to do after being a part of the university machine for so long. Learning without being graded is by far the most rewarding way to do it!

I AM A GOOD MOTHER TO MY CHILDREN

I am very invested in making sure they learn the rules of the road before I set them out on their own. I give them guidance and want to be there for them. I am home with them a lot, and hate to dump them off with others. I try to make them see that their actions affect the world. Although I am not perfect, I am a good mother to my children and that is all I can be.

I AM WILLING TO TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND ALLOW OTHERS TO DO IT TOO

I don't believe in one shot chances. If it takes you years to accomplish it .. and you accomplish it.. then it does not matter how long the effort took. I believe in second chances.. third chances.. and even more. But I think people need to show a real effort and understand their limitations. I believe that if people are willing to work hard at it.. and they accomplish their dreams! So I guess what I like in this one is that I am willing to work hard, screw up and still get to the finish line.. but that I expect it from others as well. Does that make any sense at all?

I AM A GOOD TEACHER

I put effort into helping others to open their minds to new ideas. I care that they are enthusiastic about learning and don’t limit them to traditional memorization and regurgitation. I also expect them to work hard and push themselves. I don’t set my standards low and I don’t make them jump through hoops to see that they are becoming better people. I want to make sure they see the applicability of education to the “real world” and not make them see learning as just a means to an end but a lifelong pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. Also, I love my volunteer job and it shows.

I AM ARTICULATE

I don't have many problems saying what I mean and being understood. Even when I don't want to get a point across sometimes it just gets there on its own. I suppose that is a good gift.. I can say what I want and need.

I AM OPEN MINDED

For some people this is seen as a flaw. I don't care to see it that way. I am open to the things people feel - bad or good- and I try to put myself in their position to try to understand where those feelings come from. Empathy is not as innate as some might think. I think the natural tendency is to be a little self centered. Maybe I have learned how to be more open as I have gotten older.

I AM CARING

Really I am. Kids, the elderly, middle aged people who are depressed, animated characters on TV. I feel for them all. I have always felt for other people and I think that is a good thing. Some say it is a dog eat dog world and you have to take what you can no matter what.. I don't believe that and I doubt I ever will.

I AM INTUITIVE

I generally know when people are saying what they mean or saying what they think I want to hear. It happens mostly in my stomach and works its way to my brain. I don't ignore this sixth sense—rather I use it to help me relate to people better.

I'm A Dreamer

I'm a dreamer who has the tendency to stumble straight into her dreams and then fall out of them right onto her face. Falling in love has never been my problem. I don't mean to sound shallow, but guys have always been interested in me. My problem is simply that I get carried away with love.

It's not that I don't have standards, because I do. I know what I want from a relationship and if a guy can't give me that, then I don't bother. However, I kept getting guy on the net who wants to know me, but it never feels right. Something always happen and I always catch them not being honest after a month of chatting. In the end, I'm back where I started... single and looking for that dream again.

There are guys out there who has no problem finding things to talk about, witty, and so on and so forth. It's rather surreal actually; like a fairly tale. Every time I wait for him to be online, my heart skips a beat and the butterflies in my stomach flap crazily.

The only problem is, that I know that I shouldn't get carried away. I'm sure these guys are chatting with many other women out there - just the same carefree way that he talks to me, though I'd like to be selfish and say that I am the only one. I can't help it though. We talk about profound things that matter only to the hearts of people who have felt them; I feel that he is a kindred soul.

Eventually, after a few months of chatting they are either married, or they are not the person who they claimed to be. I suppose that I would go on living my life in a dream. As of right now, I am telling the Universe my dream man - how I want him to be.

I got carried away... again.

Kept My Sanity While Living Abroad

When I was living in foreign countries (at one point living with a husband and two kids) even the simplest tasks can become the greatest endeavours. One must be prepared for this, and above all else, have the ability to laugh at themselves and to always keep on going.

I am no expert at this feat, by all means. Honestly, my time in England and in America was not a problem because of its English speaking country but living in Austria has been my first experience living in a country where I don’t speak the language or fully understand the culture.

While in Salzburg, I realized what an asset it was (if only) I was able to speak an additional language. I know, I know, you will say that I can always fall back on English (when I speak to a younger generation) there, but it’s just not the same. And I can’t have a translator walking around with me everywhere I went (though I really should download an app for that). Aizad, you must show me how to do this on my iPhone. (NI HI SEN SEE) lol lol (do you remember?)

And yet, while I had no real answers for how to conquer embarrassing times in foreign countries, I can at least offer to share some stories of my life there. I was always modest, kind and realistic when setting goals for myself. I kept it simple. Cos I remember it took me an entire week to figure out where to buy envelopes, stamps and mail letters home. At that time, there was no internet or skype yet. I succeeded.

While in Austria, patience and humour are necessary for daily chores, such as grocery shopping. Really, it was a humbling experience when I had to send multiple texts to my husband asking what the difference was between such and such bread and what the word was for butter or garlic.

I know I had not given up easily. If at first I don’t succeed, I would try and try again. Just because something did not work out well the first time, it does not mean it will never work out at all. I told myself I was in a different place and was trying to do some things in a different way. I could not insist on being stubborn, because it was hard to change things in order to adjust in our new homes.

I gave myself a lot of time. As I hinted at before, grocery shopping (Abbie used to do it) and cooking (Norbert was the cook) are still a challenge for me here. I still end up paying more than I know I should at the store because I am not familiar with brands and products. I didn’t know yet what a good deal was there. Also, it was very difficult for me to find the familiar ingredients that I had at home. I’ve tried, unsuccessfully, all week to make one, awesome dinner for my husband, (he wanted laksa) and each time the seasoning or the flavours or the sauce is just not right. I don’t know what it is! But I am determined to become an awesome chef but never got there. I can’t blame my husband for the fact that it took me 45 minutes to find the store instead of the normal 20. It’s not his fault that the fish I cooked was too dry. Of course, I was there for him and that I loved him, and no matter how hard and frustrating that experience may be, it was worth it, and I knew there would be challenges going into it.

If I ever move again anywhere for the sake of love, I am determined to keep the relationship with whoever it is and the relationship with the new country/city separate. I will try not to totally depend on my significant other—but be independent instead. I used to be scared to go shopping or do laundry on my own, because, god forbid, something would happen and I wouldn’t understand what was going on and then I would ruin everything. Well, I got sick of waiting around for him to do things real fast and just bit the bullet and went out on my own. And what do you know! I didn’t ruin anything….so far.

Sad to say, in Salzburg I didn’t find anyone like me — although I was I guaranteed I’d find similar people like me in America and England and they are out there. There are expats all over the place, and while I should be trying to assimilate and integrate into the culture of my new home, it feels so good to get together with others in the same situation and just cry and bitch about everything. Really, there are other people out there having the same struggles and feelings as I did, and they offered a shoulder to cry on or at least a friend to help explain how something works in a way that I finally learn to understand.

I kept myself happy, healthy and looking good. When everything else fails around me, just focus on ME. Eating right, sleeping well and exercising can make all the difference—really. I was in an uncomfortable setting and situation being a foreigner far from home. I did what I needed to do to make myself feel good and feel like me. Treat myself every now and then, maybe with a day shopping, or a day inside watching movies in English language with a tub of ice cream —whatever floated my boat.

I learned, and loved it. This was an experience—an opportunity to be learning new things every day. How incredible was that?! And when everything turns to shit and comes crashing down around me, know that this is going to be one heck of a story I will be able to tell my friends and family later. Hell, now I am blogging so everyone knows.

Petals In Spring

Cycle of Life III

Cycle of Life II

Circle of Life I

Circle of Life II

Bloom In Spring

Cycle of Life

It Feels Different This Time....

In the beginning, it isn't so much a matter of moving on, I don't even know how to get through the day. Everything in the house reminds me of him. I can't read or watch tv, I can't sleep because he kept creeping into my mind. I find every excuse to get away from Port Dickson as much as possible.

I recall dreaming of him twice. Once after exactly two weeks after his death, and the second one three weeks after his death. Then none at all. The lights in the house started flickering, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the bedroom. Maybe he is trying to communicate with me - Anwar says that I want to think that that is his dad's spirit but it is not.

I think it is "slowly fading" away. I couldn't imagine moving on then, but I feel different now - coming back home after the Hariraya. With each day that passes I move farther and farther away from that initial shock and grief. I see myself showing signs of looking forward to new futures, and it seems clear that I am entering a new phase. What I also found out is that the grief remained painfully close as I imagined it would be.

Four months has passed. I expect to feel a lot better than I may actually feel. I discovered that there is that numbness that occurs when loss is so terrible our minds can't bear it. The numbness wears off, the thoughts that need processing emerge. The grief flares up, the numbness returns, almost as if for the first time. I gave myself permission to not think about the grief or him as much as possible. I told myself he would understand if I had to wait for a while before thinking about him. I reminded myself that I had the rest of my life to think about him, and that my main objective at the time was to get through each day.

I did my normal activities again and it helps. Now I can have those positive moments again like as simple as laughing at a televison show or enjoying a walk on beautiful day. I started new projects and buy something that gives me pleasure. I get out and have some good conversations and coffee with friends. I am lucky, the holiday time brought some big joys back into my life. Having people around helps. We listened to cheerful music, enjoying a morning or evening walk together, going out to have a coffee, spending time with children, helps keep my mind on more pleasant things. I may not be able to control what big joys come or when, but I sure can control whether or not I find some small ones.

I am taking care of my emotions slowly but surely. Moving on is taking me by the hand and leading me away from the grief.

Words Do Hurt

by Amirah Husain on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 12:56am

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". That's bullshit! An absolute bullshit! Whoever wrote this didn't have a clue.

I concur with Robert Fulghum, US author and Unitarian clergyman, who said, "Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts..." Many of us are getting the sticks and stones of life now because of the pain of words ill-spoken.

I have a theory. If you have to "prove" something, then something inside of you is undecided about your value. At a deep level, you aren't sure if you are worthy. However, instead of facing your pain, you seek to achieve something to prove you're okay. The hurting words are no longer outside of you, but are inside your head taunting you, bullying you, criticizing you. You've become your own abuser.

I remember the pain of words spoken. When you are being accused of something that you are not. Hey, I am not the bad person you are making me out to be, okay? I don't like to be made a failure. I will not let your words hurt me. I am not going to be blinded by your pain and let you harm me. I am not going to internalize your damaging words into my life. Truth sets me free. Truth spoke to my heart and reminded me of who I am and how irrefutably valuable I am. I am all ready to heal.

You Know What Turning 50 Means?

by Amirah Husain on Monday, August 30, 2010 at 6:13pm

I called up my best friend today. Told her I am going off for a holiday for 10 days. Asked her if she wants to come with me. She said, "How come you have so much money, travelling here and there?" I had no choice but to tell her that I will be getting my EPF cos I am turning 50. Of course I didn't expect her to laugh and said "OMG......you're half a century!!" In my heart, I said "Babi!!!!"

I sat back and thought, holy crap, how the hell did that happen? 50? I am hitting a major milestone in a few days. I think most people would not want tell their age, but I am thrilled to pieces. I am not growing older, I am growing better. Actually, whatever it is, I can't run away from it. Everything about me is pretty much intact however I want to tell you what sucks and what doesn't suck.

But I swear I just turned 30 about 2 years ago. Which means in another 4 years: poof! I'll be hitting the bucket. I need a little more time to figure out how to fucking slow the time down. Then this morning, as I looked up the mirror in the bathroom, I asked myself, what happened to you? I checked on the lighting and said "wrong direction". It has casts creepy shadows and the reflection is of a 100 year old woman. I stared again. Where was that fresh-faced-30-year old version of me that lives in my head and my old photo albums? No, it is the real me, with frown lines, freckles (wished I didn't spend so much time in the sun), sagging cheeks especially around the corners of my mouth. I went to my computer and took several shots of me and even with the most flattering light, it doesn't help. I then said to myself, no matter how much people exercise, I don't think they can avoid the wrinkles around the neck. I gave up.

I am sure you have seen my status on fb many times about colouring (touching up) my gray hair. Well, surprise surprise, I not only have gray hair, I also happen to find two strands of gray eye brows. WTF!!!!!!!! I said, they are silver (or ok, white) that are appearing with increasing frequency serve to remind me that I'm not young anymore. That part I don't like at all, cos how do you colour your eyebrow???

I know I am 50 cos the fasting month tells my body so. Seriously, I have not so much energy, no more muscle strength, and having trouble loosing weight. But what the heck........So the major drawback to hitting my fifties seems to be the idea that I'm in my 50's--and the assumption that life will soon start to accelerate in a downhill direction. And yet, I hang out with folks in their 50's, 60's, and 70's who are still kicking ass and having a blast.

Is It Possible?

Dear Tom

The question is, can you fall in love with someone you have never met? I gave the question a thought last nite. Maybe it really depends on what you mean by falling in love. For me, I take sight, touch, movement etc. that comes with actually meeting someone, finding the real attraction, and letting the mystique of "getting to know" each other work its magic. However, however......

It is not impossible to love someone you have not met. When love comes, you feel it and no matter if the person is right there or far away, it feels the same. (It's like spiritual connection). I do believe even if you do end up falling in love with someone you haven't met you eventually do have to meet and never expect perfection. I think you have to think I love this person but unconditionally at this point in time and it is a friendship. If it is meant to be something more it will be. I know it is possible to love someone you haven't met by keeping things in perspective. I know what I feel and I'm optimisic. I believe anything is possible.

I also thought about arranged marriage that is often practiced quite widely in India. How the woman experience unexpected love and romance in her life. It sounds very interesting. A couple spoke on Oprah, where an Indian bride said that the question of whether the bride and groom are in love is not a priority. What is important is that the marriage is stable with staying power. She likes the part where she learns everyday something new about her husband. How he takes to his coffee when she prepares them. Which side of the bed should they fight for? I was smiling to myself thinking that this could happen to us.

Love makes the world go round. We all need and want to be madly and passionately in love. I know, I have to love you for what you are, and when we meet, we see what happens. I believe meeting someone as early as you can - transparency is quite important in making romance work. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by investing my heart so much in the process. I am also afraid that otherwise the fantasies we each built in our heads will overwhelm reality. As much as we tell each other not to make expectations, it is human nature and it happens. I am trying my best to stay open and not fall so early, but easier said than done, right? I can only speak for myself and not others. Do you think we would disappoint each other when we really meet? It is definitely not great for the ego. But hey, life is about trying.

I am all hearts for you........
Amy

I Am Off - Looking For Romance

I have always been a sucker for being a little romantic. Call me old fashion and lame. Finding real love seems to be the question and desire for mankind since the beginning of time. My favourite quote is “To love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence”. Humans have the ability to love, and to be loved. I have these traits, yet I am struggling to find true love.

Andrea and Maria went out to get more DVDs. They brought back “love stories”. Since like I said, I am a sucker for romance, I sat and watched two romantic movies in a day. I said to myself, “it can happen....” Movies sometimes trick my mind on what love should be. It's not that there aren't truly romantic and magical moments but what I see in the movies today, I truly want to experience love - again. You know, Hollywood has a way to make it seem so simple. It's not at all. It's just most of the time movies don't always focus on the pain you truly feel when you feel this way about a person. Or when they do focus on the pain, it still seems to always be easy. When there is love, there will always be pain too. Some people can't deal with the pain and run from it. Sometimes you have to fight for true love. Sometimes you have to be patient and let it come to you. You can't change a person's heart, all you can do is open their eyes. You've never loved someone, if you've never felt the pain.

In my experience, where I've had quite a taste of it, love isn't just a wonderful feeling. It's an extremely terrifying, thrilling, and remarkable feeling all in one. It's something I will never forget and never seem to shake. There's no time solution with real love. Once I feel it, it doesn't disappear. I can be with a person for many years, and it feels just as glorified. I am aware that when I enter down a road of finding real love, it's a very heavy emotion. If I don't treat it right, it can tear me apart. I will learn to handle the emotion properly, it will be the greatest thing that will ever happen to me. Anything that didn't feel possible, is possible now.....

Why I Love Slow - Peaceful Simplicity

My children have suggested that I move back to KL. They didn't want me staying alone in PD. How could I? For the last five years I have focused (in my daily life) to do whatever tasks slow, with ease, in mindfulness, resolve each job in a relaxed way. I give them all my attention. I cannot go back to the city and live there.

I hate to rush through tasks, trying to finish as much as I can each day, speeding through traffic to my next destination. I hate exhaustion and stress. I want time for what's important in my life, spending with loved ones, doing things that I am passionate about.

My life is simpler now. I cannot do everything. So now, I can choose to do what is important in my life by eliminating what are not so important. Whatever I am doing, whether taking a shower, or brushing my teeth, or cooking dinner, I am definitely slowing down. I am enjoying what I am doing and I pay every attention to it. I am doing one thing at a time, and doing it well.

My daughter thinks I drive slower cos I am older now. She says I give her headaches. Driving was something that I did that was often mindless and rushed. Instead, now I slow down and enjoy the journey. I am eliminating stress and what does she know about stress?

When I am having time to myself, she'd check on me. She wants to know if I am okay. How do I explain to her that I was creating time for solitude. How important it is to have some time to myself. Just do nothing but just sprinkle simple pleasures. I just wanted to practice being in the moment. Find inspiration and enjoying life now instead of saving it for later. I am not talking about sex here, if it is sex, I have to go for delayed gratification).

Living In Harmony 3

Living In Harmony

Wedding Bouquet

A Letter to God

God, can you please give me more than one soulmate? The last one I had is gone forever. Many people have the idea that they have only one soulmate in a lifetime. I am asking you, God to give me another one, could this be him? The someone with whom I can have spiritual, physical and emotional unity. Someone who is compatible with me in my views and in my sensitivity. Someone who is the “perfect fit” for me.

As I am hopelessly romantic, today I pray to you God, for someone who is really meant for me, in a very special and unique way – connected spiritually and mystically. Who speaks to me permanently in a complete loving and caring manner. A person who allows me to have my own identity and encourages me to achieve fulfilment in a relationship with him. A person with whom I can express everything in all aspects of life from mundane things to the most complicated. A person who focuses in finding ways and ideas to enhance the intensity and the quality of our relationship.

God, I on the other hand want to share my life and my love in the best possible way, so that we can change and grow together. I want to give him a sense of completeness by sharing myself in this primary relationship. I want to share his dreams, his plans, and projects based on love. I want to share with him the purpose of my living in this life, and also to improve and find the meaning of living together as soulmates.

I would like both of us to be faithful and loyal. Express and demonstrate the finest love for each other. I want both of us to appreciate each other’s individuality without feeling a need to always lead. Let each other feel great sense of self-worth. Be dependable on each other through thick and thin. Last but not least, to enjoy the intensity and the novelty of being loved.

You said in your books “Ask and it shall be given”. So I am asking you.....

Thanking you God, in advance....